Natural ways to delay ejaculation

Lifelong premature ejaculation starts early. This usually occurs when as a teenager, you start experimenting with sex and experiencing first sexual contact with under-developed sexual capacity. Ideally, teenager hood period is the last stage of the sexual formative period, it is not a good time to start off sex; this is the late stage of the sexual parts of all the sexual organs. There is a need for those organs to fully develop all their sexual capacity before addictively engaging such organs in active services.

This type of premature ejaculation case is usually harder to treat and often has deeper psychological causes. Bad habits may also contribute (such as masturbating to ejaculate as fast as possible in order to avoid getting caught).

Acquired PE happens later in life and is usually triggered by either psychological (stress or relationship issues) or physical causes (diabetes or high blood pressure, use of substances like marijuana, smoking, eating of synthetic food items, untreated ulcer diseases, some blood type groups, consumption of alcohol, some side effects of some drugs, some local herbal substances, obesity, mid-life-year-crisis).

Acquired PE suddenly begins in a man who has had normal sexual performance up until then.

We also have variable – PE that occurs irregularly and inconsistently, perhaps with one partner or only with specific partners. This is the most dangerous type and it is extremely difficult to treat.

We also have subjective PE – a condition in which a man thinks he experiences PE, but a medical doctor or sex therapist determines that there is no issue. This is psychosomatic in nature and it is easily treatable. When the mindset is well, handling every issue of premature ejaculation becomes a walkover.

This is an old school method most of our forefathers used in their relationships; it is simple but highly effective. But many husbands ignore it. Never ignore but take good care of your wife’s foreplay need. Longer foreplay can help increase satisfaction of your wife as well as delay your ejaculation. Longer foreplay can improve your relationship by reducing dissatisfaction, frustration and performance-related anxiety.

Be aware that the more pressure men feel during sex, the more likely they are to suffer from PE, but when you take time to give and enjoy giving your wife heavy erotic and breathtaking foreplay, you both will develop a good communication.

And good communication will help you overcome many issues and any discrepancies between your desires and those of your wife.

Good communication also helps you to focus on other sexual pleasures: this can decrease anxiety and help you gain better control over your ejaculation.

During heavy and stimulating foreplay, you and your wife should try breathing deeply together during sex.  While both of you are breathing deeply together, you, the husband, should try controlling your breathing. Then go for deep, long breaths. Breathe in through the nose and out from the belly. This is surprisingly effective and relaxing, and automatically helps to delay ejaculation.

One way to get even with premature ejaculation is for couples to cultivate the habit of getting naked together when alone with full privacy in view. Not just when you’re having sex, but around the house.  It has been discovered by sex therapists that when husbands get to see their wives’ luscious body a lot, it will most times not get him quite as excited and that might help him keep going during sex until they are both satisfied in bed. However, with this way, I always tell wives to come up with something new and be creative so that they will still turn him on. He will not get tired of seeing your body. This simply gets him used to having a hot wife and keeps him from being overly aroused when you’re getting it on.

Another way is to slow down the tempo and pace of your thrusting in and out. This technique requires you to slow the pace of pelvic thrusting and varying the angle and depth of penetration before the “point of no return.” When done in conjunction with engaging your pelvic muscles, this approach becomes very effective.

You can also try climax control condoms. This has been specially designed in such a way that with or without sensitivity, you can delay premature ejaculation at your own pace.

This is because men with PE condition cannot identify the feelings that happen right before orgasm – this is the point of no return. In other words, men with PE are unable to recognise that they are about to come until it’s too late. This makes it difficult for them to pace themselves and prevent ejaculation from happening too soon, which also means that their stamina never has a chance to improve. But with climax control condom, this can be achieved.

Do all you can to keep calm and breathe. If you find yourself breathing too fast and shallow, or making more noise than usual when breathing, it could be a sign you’re getting closer to the point of no return. Fortunately, you can reduce your arousal by controlling your breathing during sex. Breathe IN slowly for four seconds. HOLD for four seconds. Then breathe OUT for four seconds. If you can maintain this pattern, especially when feeling more aroused, it can help you stay in control of your body.

One of the reasons some positions are better for control is because it’s easier to stay relaxed in them. If you notice yourself tensing your stomach muscles, thighs and buttocks especially, then try to relax instead. If you lie on your back with your wife on top, it’ll be much easier to stay relaxed, and you should find you can breathe deeper and get back in control again.

Relax your mind. Relaxing the mind is a trickier beast to pin down. According to sex therapists, if you go into sex worrying about coming too soon, you’re more likely to do so. So, try using positive affirmations during sex to relax yourself. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s not impossible. Tell yourself you’re a good lover, feel calm that everything is just fine.

I would appreciate men to know that there is a condition called androgen deficiency, a problem of low testosterone level in the body. This is a condition where men experience a decline in the reproduction of the male hormone testosterone with aging, but this also occurs with a disease like diabetes. Along with decline in testosterone, some men experience symptoms such as fatigue, weakness, depression and sexual/erectile problems.

Unlike menopause in women which represents a well-defined period in which hormone production stops completely, testosterone decline in men is a slower process. The testes, unlike the ovaries, do not run out of the substance it needs to make testosterone. A healthy male may be able to produce sperm well into his eighties or longer.

It is also relatively easy to diagnose menopause in women – their menstrual period stops. Diagnosing decreased testosterone level in men is trickier and requires a blood test to check the level.  So, consequently, the condition often goes undetected.  That is why I always recommend that men close to 40 should undergo PSA test (Prostate-specific antigen test).

Definitely, loss of testosterone in men leads to testosterone deficiency, which has a bad impact on a man’s ego and takes toll on his health.  Among other potential causes of testosterone deficiency are: injury or infection to the testicles, chemotherapy or radiation treatment, genetic abnormalities such as extra x chromosome, too much iron in the body, dysfunction of the pituitary gland, medications, stress, and alcoholism.

Of the estimated 4 to 5 million men with low testosterone, only 5 per cent are currently being treated. About one in every 10 men between the ages of 40 and 60 has low testosterone. Among men over the age of 60, the numbers jump to one in every 5 men, according to researchers. The handy treatment is TRT – Testosterone Replacement Therapy, but some schools of thought have queried whether it is healthy or needful.

A few numbers of studies have shown that TRT in men who have low levels of the hormone may improve libido, enhance sexual performance/ function, increase bone mineral density, increase muscular mass/strength, and help improve mood; however, the adverse effects of TRT outnumber the advantages. One of them is sleep apnea, a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts. TRT causes the body to make too many red blood cells, which can increase the risk of heart disease. It causes acne or other skin reactions, stimulates noncancerous growth of the prostate and possibly stimulates growth of existing prostate cancer, enlarges the breasts, limits sperm production and causes testicle shrinkage. So, if you are considering testosterone therapy to help you feel younger and more vigorous as you age, know the risks before you make your decision.

There are the second categories of men who have low level of testosterone, not because of aging but because of a disease called hypogonadism, a condition in which the body is unable to produce normal amounts of testosterone due to a problem with the testicles or with the pituitary gland that controls the testicles.

Testosterone is a hormone produced primarily in the testicles. It helps maintain men’s bone density, fat distribution, muscle strength, mass red blood cell production, sex drive and sperm production. Testosterone peaks during adolescence and early adulthood.

As man gets older, his testosterone level gradually declines typically about one per cent a year after age 30. It is important to determine in older men if a low testosterone level is simply due to the decline of normal aging or if it is due to a disease (hypogonadism). TRT can improve the signs and symptoms of low testosterone in men with hypogonadism case with fewer side effects than in old age men.

Testosterone therapy can help reverse the effects of hypogonadism, but it’s unclear whether testosterone therapy would have any benefit for older men who are otherwise healthy.

Many also want to know if testosterone therapy helps increase sex drive in women. Well, research shows that testosterone hormone does impact sex drive as well as remedies other sexual problems in certain women with sexual dysfunction. But the long-term safety of testosterone therapy for women is unknown. Testosterone therapy usually is prescribed only for women who have low libido but sufficient estrogen levels.

Testosterone is one of the best sex hormones present in both gender but more pronounced in men. It regulates mood and fuels up sex drive. A slow drop in testosterone is a normal part of aging. Low testosterone can cause visible changes in some men, such as thinner muscles, loss of body hair, smaller, softer testicles, and larger breasts. As testosterone level drops in a man, the bones may get thinner, weaker, and more likely to break. Less energy, mood changes and poor concentration are a sign of low testosterone.

A drop in testosterone level doesn’t always interfere with sex, but it can make it more difficult for a man’s brain and body to get aroused. Some men may notice a drop in libido, while others may lose interest in sex completely. Low testosterone can also make it tougher to get or keep an erection. Testosterone helps a man’s body make sperm. When levels of the hormone are low, his sperm “count” can be low too. Without enough sperm, he may not be able to father a child.

 Questions and answers

I have lost hope in him and his penis. What should I do?

 It is sad but the truth is that banana is stronger than my husband’s penis. When we newly got married, all went well sexually. The penis was hard, strong and active, but lately what I noticed is that my husband’s penis shrinks inside him by the day. As if that is not enough, it takes him ages to get aroused and sometimes he may never ‘get up’. Then as soon as we are celebrating his arousal, he goes softer like an overripe banana. I am fed up; I need you to get me a vibrator. I am not sure things can ever get better because it has been like this for years. I have lost hope in him and his penis. For me, his penis is just a decoration and nothing more. Please, do not preach to me; just get me a good vibrator.

Mrs. Odopolo Ejiro

Hi Odopolo, you said when you were newly married; sex was ‘ebano.’ Now that things are not rosy, you want to back out? No! Please, before you resign to fate, both of you can visit a sex therapist together. Remember the marriage relationship is for better, for worse. I am certain both of you can weather the storm together and get a permanent solution to the problem.

 Can I really cope with this arrangement?

 I am an ardent reader of your column. I appreciate your prowess. But can I really cope with this arrangement? I love my wife and we have a wonderful marriage and a fantastic sex life. But whenever she is pregnant, we MUST abstain from sexual activities. The reason is that few years ago, we had a premature baby but lost the baby after few weeks in spite of all medical interventions and experts’ skills. And shortly afterwards, we lost another pregnancy. On the basis of this, the doctor advised we should abstain from sex whenever my wife is pregnant. This really worked when a new baby was added and we eventually became parents. The joy of the new addition of children really did not make me feel the burden of the instruction against sex whenever my wife was pregnant. But recently, anytime she is pregnant, I struggle a lot to keep to the commandment of the doctor. Now she’s pregnant, although I have abstained from sex as previously advised, my problem is that I find it so difficult to handle or control my urge for sex. As a matter of fact, my urges are becoming unbearable; I don’t want to engage in extramarital affairs and I get irritated with the idea of masturbation. What is the alternative?

Bisilimu Opagunjelo

 Mr. Bisilimu, due to the fact that the joy of having a healthy baby born to the family is very important in the union, yet it does not rule out the fact that your sexual urges are important. But from the look of things, it seems that you have to pick between sex and going through the stress you went through during the first pregnancy. However, there are other ways you can manage your sexual urges with your wife while she is pregnant.

One, both of you can engage in heavy romance – foreplay and caressing –while you can replace her vagina with her inner thighs. Thereby, you will still wisely, carefully with all discretion, engage in your usual sexual activities but this time around, your point of ejaculation will not be her vagina but in-between her thighs. However, this has to be with doggy style position while both of you are securely lying on the bed.  

Secondly, she can perform a blow job on you in a very comfortable position considering the fact that her extreme comfort matters.

How to create delicate lovemaking moments

Sex can always be beautiful within and without all year round in every marriage. I am strongly of the opinion that much more can be added to the wealth of knowledge any couple out there may have acquired. Creating delicate lovemaking moments has been researched to be one of the many ways sex can be enhanced between married lovers.

 Many couples take sexual techniques for granted but believe me, they are still the best of many links to sexual fulfillment.

Sexual technique is simply the act of treating your spouse in a very special way during sex to enhance their passion for sex. In other words, sexual technique is following a sexual and sensual pattern.

To start with, there must be a proper preparation if sex must be enjoyed; careful groundwork is essential. Preparation begins long before bedtime; sex starts in the morning and not at bedtime.

The first homework is to settle any known or foreseen quarrel as soon as possible. Get ready for sex with a positive mindset. Many a time, couples find it difficult to have good sex because of life challenges but I have observed that if couples always wait for a perfect situation for sex, they might not find one. So, a positive mindset for any sexual activity is very important.

At any given time, filth, uncleanness and poor sense of orderliness have ruined many anticipated sexual thoughts. You must be neat and clean, and at the same time be seductively attractive and sexually appealing. Oral, armpit, vulva and penis hygiene should be well-observed, especially when the penis is uncircumcised.

 The pubic hair should not be shaved in a way that will be coarse and cause irritation to the skin of your spouse. Most times, as simple as it appears, this has ruined good passionate sex and made some husbands develop quick ejaculation while some wives have to apply hot water to heal themselves.

Neatness is one of the guiding rules for successful lovemaking. Sex has turned out to be a nightmare just because of some offensive odour from the genitals. Since sometimes sex might be unpredictable, it is important to brush the mouth twice daily, especially when retiring at night.

 This is very important because if there is a need to have oral sex, you must brush your teeth to prevent giving each other infections. Many couples contact some form of toilet disease just from unwashed mouth, because the same bacteria responsible for toilet disease are mostly also found in the mouth.

The bed should be laid with clean or new bedspread; old, stinking bedspreads are a turn-off for spouses. Get enough privacy; make sure your doors are locked to prevent the mind from being distracted. At no time should a lover disapprovingly take off their partner’s clothes in an offensive manner. It is important that both husband and wife slowly undress each other; this is an exciting part of the technique. The moment this has been done, the best part of the groundwork has been achieved. As a matter of fact, these particular habits mostly usher in the love play.

Getting each other aroused before the husband penetrates his wife is important; this can be done by holding each other lovingly, caressing each other tenderly, kissing, and carefully touching and fondling each other’s sexual organs.

At this point, couples should submit to each other by letting their partners know their sensitive areas and points of triggers. For many ladies, it is the clitoris and the breasts, especially the nipples. Let him know that it takes time before your sexual organs respond, especially the clitoris.

Make him kiss and use his tongue to caress your breasts, nipples and neck gently and lovingly, then later your genitals. As this goes on, the nipples become erect and the clitoris increases in size. Caressing should not be done in a hurried way. Take enough time to fully enjoy each other! It is important to understand the timing in lovemaking. The emotions and sensations should build up and be intensified gradually. Do not stop the stimulation once it begins; continue in an ever-increasing manner.

Basically, the whole body of a loving couple is an erotic zone. For the man, the nape of the neck, the back of the ears, the breasts, the armpits, the navel, the inner parts of the thighs, the groin, the pubic hair, the shaft of the manhood and the eye of the manhood are especially their most sensitive areas. All these should be kissed tenderly or caressed gently with the hand and tongue. If the man’s skin is too dry, you can get a bottle of baby lotion and seductively rub on the body parts; it will send sexual signals to the whole body.

The female erotic zone includes the base of the neck, the base of the hair, the lips, the armpits, the breasts, especially the nipples, the tummy, the navel, the inner parts of the thighs, the pubic hair, the clitoris, the lips of the vagina and the inner parts of the vagina.

All these could be tenderly touched and caressed with the man’s hands or tongue. Caressing various areas of your partner’s body shows an interest in the whole person.

In foreplay, the husband and the wife should talk freely to each other. They should tell each other what they want.

While gently caressing each other, it is advisable for the wife to take a comfortable position with legs apart so that the man will be able to gently play with her genitals. As her husband caresses her, she in turn plays with his nipples and the shaft and eye of his manhood.

Aside from the things already mentioned above, do you know how much hugging and cuddling your lover needs before and after intercourse? How about the sexual fantasies each partner nurtures? Paying a little extra attention to your sex life may be all it takes to transform it from a boring experience to an intense experience.

Couples put lots of efforts into their careers, friendship and parenting-they read books and improve on all other areas in their lives. Well, that is not a bad idea at all. But good sex requires the same level of research, information and attention, which means that making time for sex matters a lot.

Hug each other for 20 seconds each day and flirt with each other. Even when there isn’t time for sex, make sure your partner knows you want to have one with them at any available time. Send a romantic message to your partner’s phone or e-mail. Daydream about making love to your spouse while doing the laundry, dishes, and while at work or during your free time and so on.

What is the appropriate time to teach children about sex?

In this computer age, when everything is computerised, what is the appropriate age for children to read about sex?

Mr. Martins Paul

All children are not alike. But parents’ primary focus each time they want to start introducing sex education to each child or children in general should be to be real friends with them. It is very easy to pass any message across to someone you have already won their confidence, friendship, trust and love. Such persons will not only accept whatever idea you are bringing to them but will consider your idea as the best. This is why some rapists and child molesters try to become so friendly with the child they want to abuse that it will be so difficult for the child to break away even when they know the act is not right. So be a friend, hero and confidant to your child. Then the next step is to be able to understudy the child’s peculiarity; that is, their level of intelligence, exposure, and area of interest. Also, know your child’s circle of friends, his special games and aspirations. Then study his pattern of questions. Now while studying their pattern of questions, make sure you are not reprimanding them or curtailing their originality. Whenever you choose to start, always make the subject matter appear as if it’s not really a big deal. When you put up a face and posture that suggest that it is serious, they will likely keep quiet.

Is sharing rooms with our children a subtle form of child abuse?

My husband has two teenagers from his previous marriage while I have one from my previous marriage. We are newlyweds sharing a bedroom apartment with these teenagers. My question is: how healthy is it for us as parents to be caressing each other in the presence of these children since we cannot afford a bigger place for now and the passion for sex is very high between my husband and me?  Is it safe to be sharing rooms with our children? Is this a subtle form of child abuse?

Mrs. Sunday Saheed

You might not be able to afford the type of accommodation you desire but the point is that even when you are living in a seven-bedroomed apartment, you can or may still dress up in the presence of your children or caress in front of them or make love around them. So the issue is not about the number of rooms; it is about making sure you create a sex safe environment for them. Do not unnecessarily expose them to some things or allow some thoughts to cloud their minds because of your actions. There are better ways to have passionate sex without giving the teenagers any clue about your actions. If you bathe together as a couple and have sex while doing that, they won’t know that you have sex while doing that. You could have a quick one when they are away on errand or in school.

My big boy always has an erection while accessing the Internet

I am a woman with three boys aged between five and seven years and in other not to disturb me with their endless demands and questions, whenever I’m busy with domestic chores, I allow them to play games on mobile devices with Internet facilities. But recently, I discovered that my eldest boy always has an erection while he is playing game or accessing the Internet. Please how can I intervene because even when I stop him, he goes to his friend’s house and still comes home with an erection? Help me!

Worried single parent

Unfortunately many games have been programmed with one form of sexual act or the other. As a matter of fact, even Facebook and Twitter are so overpopulated that our children are not only exposed to sexual perversions and pornography, but also are in daily contact with sex perverts and rapists. These sex perverts and rapists using the platforms are growing in number per minute. The number of sexual assault cases related to both social media sites has reached incredible heights; and half of those cases involve victims under the age of 16. Even when you try to stop them, they quickly defend it by saying that it is “harmless” chatting. Some of those chatting with these young children, especially girls, encourage them to send sexually explicit images on their mobile device. Some adults encourage young children to pornographic sites. Facebook and Twitter have billions of users. The point is that almost everyone has an account with the social media platforms and that naturally means exposure to sexually explicit contents and crimes. As much as there’s really no way for Facebook to control who joins the platform, it is important for you to let your children understand the negative effects that such platforms have on lives, future and well-being of children.

I can’t differentiate between normal erection nor prolonged painful one

I am 35 years old and I recently started having sex after a long abstinence from sex due to my profession. I am a professional boxer, and professional boxers sometimes have to abstain from sex for many months or even a whole year.

But my challenge now is that it seems that I can’t differentiate between normal erection or prolonged painful one. I am not sure if I ejaculate either. How long does it take for an average man to ejaculate during sexual intercourse? Sometimes, I get so confused I don’t understand my body at all. Sometimes, I take a lot of alcohol to stay longer during sex but despite that, my system seems to have broken down. I am in a dilemma, can you help me?

Derin Morris

When one alters the normal system of the body, it is possible the body mechanism gets abnormally disrupted; that is when a person starts experiencing this type of interruption. It took you some years to get into this mess, so you have to take things easy and work towards an ideal body system. An erection begins in the brain. Physical and/or mental stimulation cause nerves in the brain to send chemical messages to nerves in the penis, telling the penile blood vessels to relax so that blood can flow freely into the penis. Once in the penis, high pressure traps the blood within the tissue of the penis. This causes the penis to expand and sustain an erection. When you turn off this process, you alter normal erection. A normal ejaculation, which is the release of semen at climax, is triggered when the man reaches a critical level of excitement. That makes sexual stimulation to cause nerves in the penis to send chemical messages or impulses to the spinal cord and into the brain where other chemical messages are sent back to the penis through the spinal cord, causing ejaculation. When this is also altered because you choose not to allow any form of excitement at all, it can affect the average number of minutes it takes to ejaculate. All things being equal, an average man ejaculates within 9.6 to 15.5 minutes. To worsen the situation, you consume lots of alcohol which you have to stop immediately. Alcohol does not assist in prolonging ejaculation; rather, it undermines the quality of your ejaculation and power to stay erect. What alcohol does is that it helps you get aroused quickly and shortly afterwards; it drops your level of energy and competency.  

By Funmi Akingbade

Marital truths about an incredible sex

The truth still remains that when you’re with the right person, sex is always a blast.  As much as sex is a human need, it has been researched that until both married couple work together to satisfy each other and explore possibilities of newness and creativity, sex between two people may not be that fantastic. One of the greatest propellers of an incredible sex is when both partners are extremely comfortable with each other. And once you’re really comfortable, you can find ways to spice things up. But it has been observed that in a typical African setting, many couples end up extremely caught up with loads of activities and before you know it, the best part of their lives has been spent taking care of every other person but themselves. This subtly creates lack of intimacy required for a healthy sexual relationship.

However, extending all possibilities and making use of every available surrounding can provide spontaneous sexual encounters and compensate for lack of time. For instance, partners can make it a habit to cuddle each time they are together; cuddling is all about mood and ambiance which does not require any time allocation. It’s peaceful to lie in someone’s arms in the dark with great music or even the low buzz of the TV in the background. It’s so nice to hear nothing but your lover’s breath against the backdrop of the evening or early morning.

Holding someone close in bed also makes you feel very secure with one another and the relationship, though it is not a bad idea for married couples to have separate rooms for logistic reason,  it is a brilliant, exceptional and superb idea to share a common room; it is not only healthy but comforting.  Falling asleep together is very romantic, and it’s amazing to fall asleep in your lover’s arms.

 There are times when couples accidentally bump into each other. Make use of that opportunity to quickly caress yourselves in a suggestive sensual and sexy style, or while dining together, gently slip your hands into the private part of your spouse under the dining table; you will be amazed to see the extent of the effect on the union. As a matter of fact, it recreates and rekindles sexual awareness for many couples.

If sex often feels like a race to orgasm for lack of time and opportunity, talk a little; massage each other’s neck, shoulder, back, feet or any uncommon area in the body of your mate. You both can consider taking some time out to catch your breath, reconnect and relax. Eat some mints, kiss each other with the taste of mints and feel the energy of each other’s breath. Lie back and let your level of arousal fall considerably and like a volcano rise again.

 Using of hands can help couples go all the way because the hand is one of the crucial skills of getting it on. From the moment you start cuddling, you should already be erotically grasping your spouse’s hips, stroking their arms, back or tight, or sliding your fingers around the breast.

 From caressing to grabbing to slight tingling; there are countless ways you can increase the pleasure of any giving moment by getting your hands involved. There are many spouses that had helped their partner to orgasm just by simply being skillful with their fingers via manual stimulation.

  Besides, manual stimulation helps the receiving partner to enjoy every bit of the action while the giving partner closely watches with high arousal longings.

Many times, husbands do not know what to do to get their wives to their sexual peak; why not try manual simulation of their clitoris. Manual simulation is incredibly important for women. To have an orgasm, some of them, if not most of them, need a little more of clitoral contact than intercourse.

All you have to do during sex as the man is at intervals reach down and rub her clitoris whenever possible and you are guaranteed to increase her chances of having orgasm regardless of her level of circumcision or drop of libido. For some women, manual stimulation is the only way they can connect and appreciate sex with their husbands. Doing this is not something many men know how to carry out, but it is something they have to learn; sexual act is a learning act. Make sure that the vagina is wet enough and handle the area very gently to avoid hurting her. And lastly, never try to insert a finger into a dry vagina.

 While husbands are busy on the clitoris, the wives can comfortably find a way of performing an unforgettable blow job on the penis of their husbands.  No husband runs away from a seductively performed blow job. Many husbands crave for it; they want to experience it on a regular basis. They look out for it like a well-prepared dish of assorted delicacies.

I also want wives to know that no husband would want to remain obstinate being aware of the extra packaging that comes along with well-arranged sex. The aroma of a hygienic, sparkling, fresh, dirt-free, vagina fluid is one of the erotic sexual staying on power and tip-offs for many husbands. So, keep your vagina inviting, captivating, appealing, tempting and enticing always.

Husbands, the woman’s surest gateway to a good sex is through 100 per cent carefulness and tenderness. When you ignore it, you are cutting real first-class sex out of the relationship. And what most wives want in bed is a man who is not clumsy and at the same time, who knows how to control the timing of his ejaculation while love play is on, so that both spouses will get the maximum pleasure from sex.

The longer a husband lasts, the deeper his climax, the sweeter the sex for his wife.

This is simply because wives often need to feel close before feeling sexual whereas husbands often need to be sexual to feel close. Besides, 87 per cent of women do not climax through penetrative sex alone.

Most women need some form of extra stimulus, massaging and clitoral caresses. All these help to build a woman’s excitement level before thrusting, and prevent clumsiness because the average woman needs around 20 to 28 minutes of connection.

One major reason many wives are not active sexually is because their anticipated sexual escapade and thrill is frustrated, cut short and curtailed by their husbands’ inability to control their ejaculation timing. If there is anything that is most clumsy for women, it is this singular act.

Remarkably, this can easily be achieved; it is so easy to develop complete self-control to the extent that any husband can actually choose when to ejaculate during sex: and when you have this level of control, your sexual self-confidence will be so high that you can confidently satisfy your wife in bed any time!

Most wives love the inner part of their vagina being caressed with their husband’s finger; so for a supercharged experience, experts recommend the ‘fingering of the vagina or sucking of the nipple [around one per cent of women can reach orgasm from breast stimulation alone] and the clitoris which can keep your wife moaning with delight! The husband should fondle his wife’s labia for at least five minutes before touching her clitoris.

So, while caressing your wife, it must not be done clumsily in a rush, it is advisable for the wife to take a comfortable position with legs wide apart so that her husband will be able to gently play with her genitals.

Sometimes, just touching a wife’s breast is enough to bring her to orgasm while other women are almost totally unresponsive. Therefore, husband, if your wife seems indifferent to your advances, there’s no point insisting; far better, to try to discover her other erogenous zones. In addition, wives do not feel guilty if you do not enjoy breast play. Remember it is not unusual and things can change.

 Breasts should be handled with care for guaranteed pleasure, majority of wives love having their breasts fondled. However, there is one important rule: be gentle and handle them with care. Only few wives enjoy having their breasts pinched, or manhandled.

Questions!!! Answers!!!

Can’t explain precisely what my wife wants

Can you kindly explain the science of a female desire linked to her breast? I am clueless about how to satisfy my wife’s fantasies; she only gets aroused sexually when I only stimulate her breast. To her, I should treat her breast in a special way but all my efforts have amounted to a rigid, stony being on bed. How do I get her into the mood? Do you have an idea of how to give her breast a special treat? She is really busty anyway.

Nurudeen Oba

First and foremost, you have to mentally register her breast as one of your ‘turn-ons.’ Once in a while, deliberately let your eyes wander around her breast and before you know it, you will begin to discover how absolutely gorgeous those breasts are. Make it a habit to be fascinated with her breast each time she lifts her shirt over her head and watch as her large breasts bounce whenever she moves around. You will have realised that sometimes, you will notice a hard on by just looking at her breasts. It will really become a turn-on. During time for lovemaking, make sure your eyes roam on her breasts. Encourage her to laugh as this will make her breast to jiggle. Learn how to undo the hook of a brassiere in a very seductive manner, allowing her bra to hang loose over her large breasts; this will make the nipples hard, standing at attention and begging to be sucked. At such moment, take each one of them in your mouth and suck gently. What you will notice is that your wife will immediately throw her head back and groan softly, then let out a cry of pleasure and invariably collapse in pleasure. At this point, you have given her breast a good treat which will make her satisfy you also. When it comes to the craving for sexual variety, researchers have discovered that women want sex just as much as men do, but men do not take out quality time to locate their hot spots.

 My husband is an ex-hardcore sex worker

With my husband, sex irritates me big time; I don’t even enjoy it anymore all because my husband is an ex-hardcore sex worker. Each time we are making love, my husband must scream so hard, say some dirty languages. As a matter of fact, he is so obsessed with dirty talks and the worst of it all is that he mentions some strange names that make me think promiscuity just runs in his veins. If sex is not in agenda, my husband is a nice, kind-hearted person, but as soon as it’s time for sex, I feel like an ‘ileya’ ram going to be slaughtered.’ This looks like a sex prison to me, please help.

Mamiska Itanda

Have you ever sat your husband down and really had a heart to heart discussion about this? If no, you just have to summon courage and nicely share your fears with him. While discussing with him, let him know that mentioning names of ex sex partners is a height of low respect for you, that you deserve some respect as the legal wife. On the other hand, I need you to know that to some spouses, screaming is sexy but many of such spouses do not realize that screaming can only be sexy if their partner is also a screamer. Most of the time, partners could get turned off when their ear drums are getting ready to explode. For hard core sex workers, either an ex or a current one, they have formed a habit and they just have to deliberately work to change if it is offensive to their partner. Besides, the neighbors may hear you! Same precaution goes for obsessive dirty talk.

My wife is behaving funny

I’m just recovering from stroke and I am grateful to God, I am quite fit now to walk around and do some of my normal daily activities, but I have one big problem- my wife. She wants us to keep having sex as before or at least close to it. She said it will not harm me, but I don’t buy into this and since then, she has been behaving funny. What do you think?

Daddy Joe

After a heart attack, some men and women fear that any type of sexual activity will provoke another one. People feel that if they›ve had a heart attack, it›s not a good idea to stress their bodies with sexual activity. But less than one per cent of heart attacks could reoccur from having sex. It makes sense to think of sex as a form of exercise: If your doctor clears you for physical activity, you›re also likely safe for sex.

Changing Positions

Funmi,  when going from missionary to woman-on-top, how do we maneuver the switch while keeping my husband’s penis inside me? Whenever we try this, my husband’s penis just pops out.

Mrs. Monday

I am sure most couples marvel at the expertise of most of the sex actors and wonder when such can be a reality in their home. However, the truth of the matter is sex is not always as flawless and faultless as presented. People knock heads, are twisted up in the sheets and, for a moment get disengaged. It can be awkward to change positions in one smooth moment; most couples stop and reconnect.

However, to give the flawless sex, start with missionary position close to the edge of the left side of the bed. Keeping your right leg straight, wrap your left leg around your husband’s waist and hook your left arm under his shoulder. Pushing off with your right arm, keep a firm grip on your husband as you roll him onto his back toward the right side of the bed in one sweeping motion. If he slips out, stick him back in and resume your captivating section.

Help, we have a fairy-tale sex goal that is destroying our sex life

Please, how attainable is simultaneous orgasm? My husband said this should be our next sexual goal, but I think it is more of a fantasy than a reality. He expects that anytime we are making love; besides, he is hyper active, I can’t even match his speed. How can l be helped?

Mrs Deborah

The myth that simultaneous orgasm is the epitome of sexual fulfillment is based on a number of false assumptions. First, it assumes that married couple gets aroused and then responds at the same pace. That is highly unlikely. Second, it assumes that goal-oriented sex is more fulfilling than pleasure-oriented sex. On the contrary, goal-oriented sex can interfere with fulfillment by introducing demand, anxiety, and often a feeling of failure, all of which hinder the body’s natural response mechanism. Just tell your husband that if he does not expect this to happen by all means, you will be the best on sex bed. Instead, keep kissing passionately, every day. Kissing is the barometer of the state of your sexual relationship. Sometimes I wonder if wives really understand how intense their husband’s sex drive is or how intrinsic a man’s sexual fulfillment is to his self-acceptance. Remember, men and women are different. If wives have their husbands’ testosterone levels, they’d be a lot more interested in sex. Try and keep up with him, you will soon meet up.                                                                                                                                    By Funmi Akingbade

Things to know about premature ejaculation

A man is created to be the head of his household, but when anything threatens that authority, a man must fight it with all his energy. Premature ejaculation is considered as an aberration and here are important things to know about it, to help you overcome it now without further delay:

PE is the release of spermatozoa before the wishes of both sexual partners.  In other words, with the condition, there is the release of sperm cells in the vagina before the man or woman is ready.

Weak erection, weak ejaculation or erectile dysfunction can almost be described as similar to PE. The difference is that with weak erection, the man goes soft or completely flaccid and weak, while still at the level of imagination and arousal or while still on active service. The challenge is majorly about the physiology of erection and all the organs involved in the interplay of erection.

But with erectile dysfunction, the penis cannot perform as required or cannot do more than required, such as the penis going for more rounds of sexual intercourse at any point in time. This could be due to lots of reasons which could be placed under some categories.

Here are some important things to know:

Organic category: Cases that fall under this category are mainly due to faulty functionalities of some organs leading to some backfiring effects on the penis, e.g. hypertension, diabetics, ulcer, and problems with the prostrate leading to low libido or poor libido and so on. Problems with the urethra, anxiety of performance, and so on. Problems with depression; recently, it has been recorded that many husbands are more depressed than their wives. And when a man is depressed, he loses his erection and also his ability to perform regardless of any stimulation and enhancers.

Substance category: Cases that fall under this category are mainly due to the use of substances. Such cases could be as a result of smoking, consumption of alcohol, too much consumption of artificially brewed drinks, too much consumption of synthetic and processed foods, such as sugar and the like.

Environmental category: These cases are mainly due to excessive unavoidable stress condition, age, unhealthy marriage life, that is characterised by unforgiveness, anger, vengeance and hatred.

Lifestyles category: These have to do with issues surrounding eating habit, general unhealthy lifestyle, such as getting infected with sexually transmitted diseases, addictive masturbation, anal sex and others.

If there is one sexual problem that can threaten and has threatened the existence of a good marriage, it is PE, weak erection and erectile dysfunction. Some wives may sometimes put up with husbands with small penis sizes, especially when they have mastered the art of staying on longer inside their women and giving them pleasure. But when a man [especially with a small penis] cannot get his lady to ask for more, it is a sign of big trouble.  The truth is that if that happens, there are two possibilities: it is either she gets satisfaction from another man (it could be your driver) or gets out of the relationship.

It is a direct attack on the man’s self-esteem. A man who cannot satisfy a woman in bed is in trouble, as he cannot be said to be in charge of the house. If a man has little or no money but he is well endowed under belt and smart with it, he is a winner anytime with his woman. But when a man comes too quickly, wetting the bed instead of holding his wife spellbound in bed, he is not in charge. His ego is likely to be progressively deflated.

Eventually such a man will lose control of the wife. Believe me, I am a woman and I can tell you it is an exceptional, extraordinary, unusual, uncommon, rare and God-fearing woman who will remain faithful to a man who cannot ‘perform’ in bed. Low productivity: When a man cannot perform his role as husband in terms of sexual satisfaction, his general energy level will be affected and there is the likelihood that he will be depressed most of the time and overwhelmed with the stress of what to do. And when depression comes in, a man cannot perform at his optimum level at work. And this can cause a series of problems, including loss of job or slide in the fortunes of the business.

Poverty: When a man cannot concentrate, it also means that he cannot function at his best. When a man is in top shape, he can multitask and generate income from multiple sources but when his energy level is down, his productivity is also at the lowest ebb and gradually laziness sets in, which ultimately brings poverty.

Health problems: Good sexual relationship is not only medicinal, it reduces aging; it helps to increase the production of essential male sex hormones and bring good health. When a man and a woman enjoy moments of unhindered sexual life, they tend to be energetic. However, when a man discovers that he is not up to it in terms of his sexual responsibility, all manner of complicated health problems set in, which can lead to depression.

Spiritual angle:  It is also a sin for a man to fail to perform his sexual responsibility to his wife. Giving money is good but being unable to satisfy your wife is even a greater responsibility. A woman may even be willing to leave a rich man who cannot perform in bed for a poor man who is a dynamite in bed! You had better believe it!

Questions and answers

My husband says frequent sex is not healthy

My husband says frequent sex is not healthy, how do I change his mind? Here is my story. My husband and I have been married for over four years. After our marriage, we had to live in different cities. I was in Port Harcourt, Rivers State, while he lived in Asaba, Delta State. We only met once in every two weeks. This lasted for about one and a half years, though, we got on very well and our sex life was fantastic.

Thereafter, I got a job in Ibadan and we started living together. Ever since, our sex life has gone bad. Whenever it comes to sex, we argue a lot. Our sex life has become a way of releasing tension. Nowadays, I am lucky if we have sex once in a week. Even then, I would have to beg him, on my knees. He only consents after he has had a couple of drinks. It is so frustrating. If I try talking to him about it, he gets defensive and says he believes that sex should just come naturally. He would then add that planning for it or learning about it makes it artificial. To make matters worse, our lovemaking ends abruptly, with him ejaculating within a few minutes and rolling off to sleep and snore. We rarely cuddle after that. We usually go to sleep or get up to do something else. All these I can manage, but the one I desperately need an answer to is the fact that my husband says frequent sex is not healthy. How can I make him believe otherwise?

Mrs. Seriously Disturbed

Most of the e-mails I get are usually from men, although some also come from women who muster the courage to share their problems with someone they have never met. This is the reason I try to always respond to such questions. My intention is to always reward the courage displayed by such women and also lend a helping hand.

I find your case intriguing, particularly that you have to beg your husband for sex. Most times, this type of complaint comes from men. However, I must confess that this is a problem that I mostly come across in my mails and during seminars.

I think many couples find themselves in this type of situation because they do not know that it is common for passion to ebb in relationships. As I have written here on many occasions, no matter how much we may think we are in love, it is normal for passion, and even lust, to ebb. Couples must learn to notice when this is happening and take proactive steps to remedy the situation.

When a marriage is young, it is normal for couples to devour each other at a moment’s notice. Moreover, this usually happens without either of them having to make extra efforts. This is wonderful while it lasts. Afterwards it is natural when it stops happening to both spouses. At this point, both partners have a choice, either to watch their sex life go downhill or learn how to create passionate sex, which takes a lot of effort and time. Fortunately, the effort is so richly rewarding with pleasure, excitement and surprise, that such couples will wonder why they had not done that before now!

Therefore, on this score, your husband is wrong to have thought that sex should not be ‘planned or learnt. Sex is good when it is spontaneous, but then what should a couple do when it ceases to be? Sex, like any other human activity, can be planned and learnt. Moreover, drinking lots of alcohol before sex does not increase sexual performance, it only increases sexual desires and most times, the after effect of the alcohol drains off energy for good performance.

Having said that, it may be difficult to offer advice to you without having the full details of other non-sexual factors that may be responsible for your husband’s behaviour. Some unaddressed factors may be predisposing factors to such behaviour. Sometimes, the attitude, actions, comportment or hygiene of a spouse can make the other spouse to stay off sex.

One of the main challenges of a typical African marriage, especially in Nigeria, is that couples do not create leisure time for their sexual harmony. A typical couple knows how to work, make money but not how to take time off and learn how to flavour their sex lives. Make time for each other, at least, once every week: no family, no friends, and no business. You must learn how to set aside several hours where the focus would be you, your mate, your relationship and your sexuality. You need this to stoke up the fire of your sexual passion. It may or may not include sexual activities, but it should always be sensual, intimate and fun.

You can also watch good movies, particularly romantic movies with your husband. While I frown on pornographic films, I encourage couples to watch any of the videos prepared by sexologists and made to improve couples’ sex lives. It is also a way to bring spark to one’s sex life.

While I know that your husband may show little interest in all these since he says that it is not good to plan for sex, I am sure he would be interested to know that sex does not have any adverse effect on health. It is indeed very beneficial to one’s health. In fact, a recent study claims that sex may be the best form of experience after all.

Funmi, how do I know if I am close to having an orgasm as a wife?

I wanted to ask how I would know if I am close to having an orgasm? There are times when my body tightens up in a way that seems similar to when my husband has orgasms. However, it’s not followed by a sense of release or uterine contractions. Do you think this happens when I’m on the way to having an orgasm? Are other women experiencing the same?

New bride

Yes, I think you’re on the way to orgasm when that happens. Building tension is a key component of heading toward climax. But the arousal may not have increased enough to get you over the edge to release.

There are really two ways to look at orgasm: physiologically and experientially. Let’s look at each.

First, the physiology of an orgasm by medical professionals and scientific researchers says it is the build-up and orgasm through physical characteristics — that is, what’s actually happening in your body. Leading up to a climax, the blood vessels in the genitalia dilate, meaning that a woman’s vulva will swell up. The inner vaginal lips will become two to three times their normal size. The blood flow can also cause the body to have a flush, particularly on the neck and chest. Rate of heartbeat, breathing, and blood pressure increase and when on verge of having an orgasm, blood flow causes the lower area inside the vagina to become firm. A wife’s breasts may swell, the areola of her breasts (shaded part around the nipples) flattens, and the clitoris pulls back from the pubic bone. The climax, however, has not happened until rhythmic contractions occur.

There is actually a lot going on, and you’re almost certainly not aware of all that as they are happening. It is likely that your husband will not also be fully aware either, as you are both hopefully caught up in the passion of the moment. Experientially, the female climax has certain features most wives recognise, but it can also be individual. One wife may flush a lot and another, not so much. One wife may feel her pulse strongly, and another isn’t aware at all. One wife may feel the contractions strongly, and another less strongly.

Here is a list of what some other wives’ experiences looks like

1. Increasing leg twitches, a feeling of warmth in the whole pelvic region, and a build-up of tension similar to the build-up before a sneeze.
2. Legs start twitching and the leg muscles automatically become tense. The pelvic region in general will become tense and there’s a feeling of warmth or tingling. And then there’s the wave as the tide hits.
3. Some say their stomach drops like on a roller coaster, just before you go over the top, then they have the most peculiar feeling to hold perfectly still and not breathe.
4. Some say there is a very intense feeling in the clitoral area that builds up. All their muscles tense up. This continues till they can’t take it anymore and then the release comes.
5. Some experience the good feeling of what is happening intensifying and it gets more and more intense until they can’t take it anymore, then it comes like an electric explosion.
6. Some say they feel a lot of pressure, but it’s pleasurable. It’s warm and tense in the clitoral area. Sometimes, they say their body shakes a little bit. Breath comes in gasps. Muscles tense up right before it happens.
7. Some say it is a strange sensation that starts from the pelvic region and travels up the left side of their spine, to the brain — then, fireworks. Then the leg twitches, and sometimes they feel something “like a pelvic sneeze.”
8. One wife in particular says: “I feel like I’m moving closer and closer to something amazing—good sensations everywhere and everything feels so good and much more intense. When it happens— it feels like ‘fireworks exploding in my brain and all over my body.’
9. Some say it is a tingling, tickling, spark-like sensation. They also feel swelling in that area and stimulation at times feels like it’s too much to handle. They also complain that they cannot keep their hips still… then it feels like a runaway train or fireworks that go in every direction in the end.
10. One said: ‘I can no longer focus on what I’m doing (like kissing or touching his back).
11. Another one said mostly it seems like my toes just curl up and I feel just warm and fuzzy, nothing real intense, but my breathing stops, and I just feel so close and connected with my husband.                                                       By Funmi Akingbade