Sex is not a mirage but a healthy exercise

One of the numerous reasons for this article is to make married couples’ sex life a blissful one. So today, I have gathered some facts about the patterns of men and women’s sex drives that researchers and sex therapists have found out. However, couples should bear in mind that individuals may vary from these norms.

According to the National Opinion Research Centre, the average couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Couples under age 30 say they have sex an average of 109 times a year. The average number drops to 70 times per year for 40-somethings and 52 times a year for couples in their 50s.

Experts say sex drives of men and women differ; they say women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s are. While men may be rigid and specific about what they become aroused by, women have less-directed sex drives. Researchers say women are more likely to be more influenced by lots of irrelevant things and factors. Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context.

Experts say men score higher in libido, while women’s sex drive is more about intimacy. That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love and connection in a relationship just as women do. Most men crave more foreplay; they just view the role of sex differently.

Women want to talk first, connect first, and then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side. It is their language of intimacy. Study after study illustrates that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but also much more straightforward. The sources of women’s libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down. It is common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.

Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it. About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though they feel guilty about it, but they are forced to masturbate because they are constantly being refused by their wives. More than 80 per cent of married men confessed having cheated on their wives. Though they said they feel guilty about it, they also gave the reason for this – their wives’ deliberate insensitivities to their sexual fantasies, need and lack of innovation and tastelessness’.

Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. I hear women say in my office that sexual desire originates much more between their ears than between their legs. Married women need romance, affection and foreplay. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire. Women’s desire is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotion. Men, by contrast, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.

Most married women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in their decisions about sex. Wives who are not ‘religious’ are likely to have liberal attitudes about sex, they let go and release themselves to the pleasure sex has to offer than the most ‘religious’ ones. Married women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices, education made less of a difference with men. Women were more likely to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities.

Most married women under age 60 think about sex less than once a day.

While the majority of married men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, only about one-quarter of married women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasise less, but married men still fantasise about twice as often. Men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies. There are natural libido enhancers that can help women, please contact me.

Older married women are more likely to experience orgasm when sex is within the context of a faithful and loving relationship. Correct Answer: False

Married women over 50 are more likely to report orgasm when a sexual event takes place in a totally strange environment. Researchers speculate that coming together of long separated spouses may find the novelty of a new experience arousing.

Most second round sex is safe and healthy, sex therapists say. In addition, it can improve sexual function and relationships by teaching both spouses about their own sexual responses, so they are better able to explain to their partner what feels good to them. However, spouses who become too obsessed with third round sex may develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners.

Women experience orgasms in a different way. While researchers find it tricky trying to quantify issues like the differing quality of male versus female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there. Men, on average, take four minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation; [ideal time should be at least 10 minutes] anything lower than this is considered to be premature ejaculation. If you suffer premature ejaculation, please contact me. Women usually take around 15 to 18 minutes to reach orgasm. That is another difference between the sexes on how often they have an orgasm during sex. Among married men, 75 per cent of them report that they always have an orgasm with their wives while 29 per cent of married women report that they always have an orgasm with their husbands.

Most married women cannot have an orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris, so they need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. For women who have trouble achieving orgasm, incorporating clitoral stimulation into sexual activity may be all that is necessary. The G-spot is a sexually sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy found in the anterior vaginal wall. Correct Answer: False

The G-spot is a region found behind the pubic bone that has been credited as the trigger for a vaginal (vs. clitoral) orgasm, and even a catalyst for female ejaculation. However, some experts note that there is no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it is best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy.

A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the duration before an average married man ejaculates during sexual intercourse from the beginning of vaginal penetration until ejaculation was 7.4 minutes, while the appropriate time should be 12 to 15 minutes. The average penis length is between eight and 10 inches when erected and averages around 4.6 inches when flaccid. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon, but psychological stress can do the same thing. It is advisable to stay off stress and if you have a shrinking penis, kindly contact me.

Only 10 per cent of married men reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm, while six of married women reported that preference. Men are more likely to reach orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, but women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts that include vaginal intercourse or real foreplay sex.

Masturbation can cause injury; frequent or overly vigorous masturbation can irritate the skin of the penis, and men who masturbate facedown can injure their urethras. This has been a major cause of erectile dysfunction for many who masturbate.

Sexual activity can increase the risk of stroke and heart attack in older couples.

Correct Answer: False

While couples with a history of stroke or heart disease should consult their sex therapist about sexual activity, for the most part, sex is a healthy form of exercise for older people. Researchers who tracked 914 married men for 20 years found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half, compared with those who had sex less than once a month. They also found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke.

Couples should never make the sex bed a stage but an accommodative environment. One way to spoil a passionate relationship is to focus on performance. If you are worried about yourself-how you move, what you look like, whether you are pleasing your lover-you’re focusing too much on you and not enough on your partner and the process. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You worry about your performance, and your performance suffers. Instead, be mindful. Enjoy your senses. Experience each moment as it unfolds. Focus on touch, sight, taste, and smell. Make sure passion is your focus, not your performance.

Explore all the erotic zones and even zones you may think are less erotic. Couples should be aware that erotic is different from pornographic. Pornography serves one purpose: to excite the viewer while erotic movies, photos, stories, and poems go further. Erotic material explains why someone feels the way they do. Emotions such as love, longing, lust, and passion are expressed. You can explore the erotic by searching out books of erotic poems, finding erotic books and stories, or watching films with erotic scenes like Swimming Pool.

Be playful: Sometimes sex can be serious, say, if you are making love for the first time after a stressful period, or when you’re just in that sort of mood. But sex can be playful, too. Make a funny sound, stick out your tongue to tease your lover, play a game of naked tag, or bring a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup or strawberry flavoured natural lubricant to bed. Relate a fantasy or play a love song. Laugh at your body parts, your hair, or the way your partner sucks in air when excited. Being playful is a way to deepen intimacy. Through erotic play, trust and intimacy grow. I will like to round off by saying that couples should let their lovemaking express their innermost feelings. Love without feeling becomes mechanical and artificial over time. If you focus on technique instead of feelings, you can feel good, but you may not feel close. You may feel turned on, but you may not feel passion. Remind yourself of why you are with your married partner. What makes you care about him or her? Then let your touch express your caring and affection. Even early in a relationship, when feelings may not be so deep, you can and should express positive feelings for your married lover.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

More than confused

I am a regular reader of your column, Sex & sexuality in Saturday Punch. I got married about seven years ago and the marriage is blessed with two lovely kids; of six and two years old respectively. I fall in the category of men who did not have the ‘’best of time’’ sexually before marriage due to parental strictness and guidance (a blessing in disguise, you will say). Hence, I was looking forward to a sexually enjoyable and explosive marriage. I met my wife a virgin and she never allowed me to have sexual intercourse during our courtship.

The first six months of our marriage was beautiful when it comes to sex, but after then, her interest dwindled. She does not initiate sex anymore and I become more of burden anytime I demand sex at night. These days, I am lucky when I am able to have it once in a week; best-case scenario is twice in a week. I have tried my best to make her happy by buying her gifts from time to time; but the effect does not last long. I bought a Honda car for her just for good sex, but nothing changes.

It is becoming so frustrating. I have tried on a couple of occasions to make her read your columns but she does not; she is not an avid reader. I am giving up the fight and I do not want to seek for pleasure outside my marriage, even though the temptations are always there.

Chidim Okorowa.

Hi, well thanks a lot for sharing with me. l want to first appreciate the fact that you have done a great job by not taking irrational decisions. I would also want to add that you should try to create time out to actually pour your heart out to your wife the way you did to me now. I am so sure, when she sees the importance, she will definitely change because no woman wants her marriage to fail. You can do this by going for a weekend vacation to a free, quiet and private place together, keep the children with trusted friends and just go out alone together. This eradicates stress and helps both of you to unwind.

You should also remember that affection and foreplay means a lot to many ladies. If you skip foreplay, most of them feel as if they are being legally raped or put under the knife of a surgeon. Then make sure that the way and manner you address and talk to her is befitting a wife and not an elevated house girl.

Why do wives freeze during sex?

Just this morning, my husband told me he does not bother if he has sex with me or not, that he has made a better arrangement to satisfy himself since I always freeze up whenever he tries to be romantic and I am doing virtually nothing about it. This got me thinking hard and just like a God-sent, I read your column in the papers today.

I just got married this year and I must say it has not been easy sexually for both of us. My husband is quite considerate and gentle but I am the problem. When he is away, I long for his touches and get wet all over just thinking about him, but when he is around, I just do not enjoy sex. I am losing him. Recently, I found out he is having an affair and I cannot complain because I know I am not satisfying him. Please help me out. I want to improve my sex life.

Sweet wife

Hi, I must say you were a little bit careless about your relationship and you took a lot of things for granted. However, there is hope if you will try as hard as possible. First, you need to try to explain to your husband that your actions were not deliberate and that you were sorry for your actions and that you are ready to make amendments. When it comes to frigidity, l always tell women that it is more of a matter of the mind than the body; so you have to make up your mind that you are not abnormal; what the mind can conceive, the body can achieve. Then take time to tell yourself you will not only satisfy your husband sexually but you will make him beg for more. If you put your attention to these thoughts, your inner power will flow there and you will see that sex with your husband will be like living in paradise. Besides, go out of your way and invite your husband for sex, go ahead and even use sexy, erotic words, stand in front of him and strip dance, seduce him and whisper good nothings into his ears. Make sure that your hands are always around his loins, penis and scrotum; always caressing them whenever you both are alone and the environment is secure. Do not shy away and say you are not a prostitute. He is your man, grab all he has and turn him hot.

By Fumi Akingbade.

FOR COUPLES AND THOSE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED-A MUST READ FOR ALL.

FOR OUR MEN:
Carry your wife to the bed when she sleeps off in the sitting room, make her feel like a baby at
times. The truth is, every woman wants to be treated like a 2yrs old girl at times, that's why
women behave childish or silly at times. You may have an argument with your wife and
the next thing is that you will see her putting her bags outside the house, it doesn't mean she is
asking for a divorce, she is just being childish, she simply wants you to hold her, look her in the
eyes and say "I am sorry for the argument".That's women for you. Every brother needs to
study in the university of women before getting married, read books about them, learn what the
Bible says about them and you will hardly have a problem with them.
Though there may still be some challenges, because you're both from different background
and your imperfections are bound to stand. So, read books about marriage, an ideal home,
child upbringing, importance of marriage and the likes. Don't just jump into marriage with an
empty head about matrimony, you will have problems.

How many men can tolerate their wives nagging let alone shouting? It's said that, you should be
quiet when your spouse is angry, when one person is fire, the other person should be water.
Brothers, when your wife steps on your feet intentionally or mistakenly, don't let your eyes
turn red, just smile at her, if she did it intentionally, she is just playing with you, if she
did it mistakenly, its not her fault. So why shout at her over every small mistake?
As a man learn to ignore some things, don't be petty. Some men are feminist; Do "hide and
seek" with your wife, sing poems for your wife in the garden or inside the house, even if she is
teasing you. Assist her in the house chores, pound yam, fetch
water, don't make her look like your maid. Bathe together, wake her up for prayers, swim with her
if it's available, cook together, teach her how to cook if she doesn't know how to cook. Cooking
is not the ticket to Paradise. It's not only a feminine duty. Use blind folds to cover her eyes and tickle her,scare her at times, call her from work/ school, text her, write "I love you" in a small note and
put it under her pillow or in her purse or in her bathroom or in her cosmetics box or inside her
cupboard. Kiss her always, cuddle her, pamper her and play with her hair. Always tell her, she's
beautiful and that you're happy to have her as your partner. All these are part of being romantic...When a woman tells you that you are not romantic. It means you are not doing all these things, its not
the romance in the bedroom she is talking about. That's why, you brothers have to study
"women's language" it's a 10 year course.

FOR LADIES:
It is part of your duty to be romantic too. Your shyness shouldn't get to your marital life and
that doesn't mean you should be shy to express your love to your husband. Send sweet text messages to your husband at work, sometimes even if you are in the room discussing with your husband, still be chatting with him on social media (Facebook, Whatsapp, Viber, Imo, bbm etc) even though he is right in front of you, it's fun and romantic! Discuss how lovely he is on your facebook timeline, this will
trip him a lot. You should be chatting with your husband, not other men on social media networks.
Buy flowers for him. When eating, give him the biggest meat. At times, bake cake for him to
surprise him. Ladies, use your soft voice to sing for him, be creative, a poem like (twinkle, twinkle
lovely spouse, how I wonder what you are, up above my world so high, like a diamond in my
heart). Sing poems for him, no shyness is allowed. Don't just be welcoming your husband with an angry
face because there is no money in the house, God is our provider. Don't welcome your husband
with your body smelling maggi, don't only play with your husband when he receives his salary.
Welcome him with a warm hug always, and when he is going to work, pray to God to keep him
safe and for him to be successful. Support him, advise him, wipe his tears, be grateful to him,
it's not easy to be a man, when you see his faith waxing cold, encourage him, don't threaten him
that you will seek for divorce, don't compare him with other men, buy him gifts, wash his clothes,
sing for him, praise him in a way that he wouldn't think of an alternative, be the best cook,
wash his car if u have the time, dress him up, pamper him when he is sick.
Wake him with a peck and don't complain about his snoring habit. Let kiss be the messenger between you. Read books on intimacy, don't learn it from what you see in movies.. Most of what you see there are not real. Call your husband pet names. Though you can also call him by his name even if he is 30yrs older than you, as far as he is comfortable with it. Remember that, God said, men are the protectors and maintainers of women. So respect him and honour him even if he is younger than you.
Marriage isn't a bed of roses but a bed of sacrifice. It's said that, there is nothing better for two people who love each other than marriage.
To fall in love is a disease and its cure is to marry the person one is in love with. Love is
when you take away the feeling, the passion and the romance and you find out you still care for
that person.
Finally, married men, divide your nights into 3: one for yourself (sleeping), one for your wife and
one for your Lord.. That's the best night one can ever have.
LOVE MAKING IS ONLY FOR MARRIED PEOPLE.
IF U CAN'T HOLD BACK, PLZ GET MARRIED.
I WISH YOU LOVE.

Sex as we age

Has it ever occurred to you what your sex life will be like in five, 10, 20 and 30 years to come as a couple? Have you ever experienced the best sex of your life? Well, now imagine it getting better. According to our exclusive report, sex never has to stop becoming hotter.

When boys transform from boys to teenagers and later young adults, one of the greatest changes that ever happen is the change in their sexuality. According to scientists, most people are not prepared for such changes and mismanage them due to confusion, myth, delusion and taboo. The best of sex any man will enjoy in his later married life is actually pivoted by the attention given to the changes that occur during this stage. For instance, it is in this stage that the teenage boy starts experiencing night emission or night fall or wet dreams or the feelings of ‘aglow’. This feeling is not only a normal physiological phenomenon; it is a basic human expectation. This is the stage that parental guidance is needful. When parental guidance is lacking, what becomes the norms for a young teenager and adult is watching pornography and masturbation. A teenager can still emerge with a good sexual orientation that will help him adjust sexually under any condition and environment when told the absolute truth with his interest at heart. Science has revealed [regardless of anything anyone posts on the internet] that pornography does not only paint a distorted sexual opinion, it also altogether alters the normal human mind-set of the young ones about an ideal sex, sexual act, sexuality and fantasies. Porn does not set an ideal sex scenario because pornography sex is a script well written and well-acted in which the actors are not only being filmed, the actors are given addictive destructive steroid to make them have a euphoric feelings to act beyond normal human tolerance level.

This is also the stage where the effect of pornography or bad peer pressure makes many teenagers and young adults become destructively addicted to masturbation. Contrary to popular opinion, as a medical health provider and a certified sex therapist, I can say that 60 to 64 per cent of the causes of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, weak erection, poor ejaculation, abnormal curvature of the penis and abnormal shrinking of the penis size has been as a result of addictive, habitual non-stop masturbation of men at any age. And ironically, this habit is normally picked up at the teenage-hood stage which still boils to the fact that the parent has to come out straight with their young ones about sexual awareness and its effect. Scientifically, the vagina is and still remains the only healthy and conducive environment for the penis. As long as the penis is in its normal environment, many dangers will be averted. The pressure and suffocative tension the penis goes through during masturbation [with or without a lubricant] has been the major reasons for the numbness of the penis nerves. And definitely, all these play major roles in the erection, sustenance of erection and turgidity of the penis during foreplay and the actual sexual periods.

While couples that get married at 20 years and above have one thing in common-; their testosterone are usually at its peak, at this stage sexual encounter is always an intense, rip-off-your-clothes, explosive sex, or an adventure type of sex, or an escapade which is extremely frequent and continual but in late 30s sexual escapades begins to be steady but slowly and insignificantly decline. Yet couples in their late 30s tend to have heightened orgasms. At this stage, many married couples are sexier, more confident and less concerned about impressing their partners or putting on a show but rather want to have more fun with sex. At this stage, many couples do not bother comparing themselves with sex actors but rather indulge in self-improvement type of sex.

In addition, though the lining of the vagina thins out and many women have less natural lubrication. However, many married women still find sex after menopause very liberating, since the chance of pregnancy is drastically reduced. They are also more likely to engage in sexual experimentations and plan to spend more time on foreplay to achieve this. Many lubricants can help couples maximise this stage to the fullest. The same reduction of hormone production happens in men, but the reduction is not just in such a dramatically short amount of time like the women. In fact, scientists say this decrease in testosterone and growth hormones particularly as a man enters middle age can lead to decreased muscle mass and reduction of vitality and energy. For a lot of husbands as they get older, it is advisable to start checking hormone levels.Couples in their early 40s to late 50s want to have sex more often just like the younger couples. This is obvious especially with the women. According to a survey, at this stage though a woman’s vagina begins to lose elasticity and her pelvic floor weakens, and arousal may happen more slowly, arousal is more intense deep and lasting. This is because these women are more emotionally stable and are less cumbersome with raising a family or nursing a child. They are more relaxed and the will to really enjoy sex is at its peak while their sexual appetite is more pronounced than before. At this stage with Kegel exercise and pelvic wall training, many women gain the elasticity of their pelvic wall back in no time. There are also many available natural herbs that could help strengthen both the pelvic floor and vaginal wall of the woman. You can contact me for this.

Sex with couples in their early 60s to late 70s should really get better with age, say researchers. They are of the opinion that age is no barrier to good sex. Although older husbands may not necessarily possess the energy or vigour for impulsive or spontaneous sexual activities the way younger husbands do due to aging. However, the level of desire, arousal, and turgidity of erection is almost at the same level with younger husbands. That is why on this note, scientists concluded that sexual activities at this age bracket should definitely get better by the age. Scientists insist that when couples in this stage make each other feel very important, it will increase their sexual confident level and they will be happier and healthier. Sex at this stage may not appear to be that voracious, fully ravenous, animalistic kind; but it is more peaceful, complete and of a deeper level. Scientists say that what is important to this category of couples at this stage now is waking up next to see someone they were married to because they were in love with them all these years and they still are in love and they are still willing to spend the rest of their lives with them. Moreover, they are willing to enjoy sex to the maximum with them.

Many men think they need to hide their feelings or risk being seen as weak when it comes to expressing their fantasies to their wives. Nevertheless, scientists say that not sharing your emotions can be a real discouragement to many wives, “The woman feels like she’s missing a close sexual connection that she wants with her husband when he is reserved.” So set aside 30 minutes of uninterrupted time together perhaps in the bedroom after the children are asleep in a relaxed setting; sit down together and share your sexual fantasies. Reach out and touch each other, a full-body massage helps stimulate the energy centres, throughout the body, so you’re aroused from head to toe. Start massaging your partner’s hands and wrists, then move up the arms and shoulders until you reach the chest. Next, starting from the feet and ankles, work your way up the legs and thighs until you reach the belly. This sequence helps awaken sexual energy.

Scientists say about 40 per cent of women will discover a breast lump at some point in their lives. Breast lump does not necessarily mean cancer, but women need to be able to separate myths from facts, what a woman does immediately after this discovery of either lump or cancer can mean the difference between survival or not.

The older a woman is, the more frightened that she may get breast cancer but not every breast lump is cancer until proven otherwise, although the lump is more likely to be cancerous in older women who have gone through menopause than in younger women. However, a lump may turn out not to be cancer; it could be a cyst, a fluid-filled sac that can be drained, or an abnormal noncancerous growth such as a fibroadenoma or, much less often, a blood clot that causes lumpiness. It could also be a “pseudo lump,” this is a ‘make believe’ lump caused by hormonal change that is not a lump at all. Whatever the cause, it is important to get any lump evaluated.

Breast cancer is not always accompanied by a lump that one can feel by mere touching the breast. Most cancers are picked up on screening mammograms. One can’t always tell by how a cancerous lump feels from a benign lump, even sometimes some breast cysts could feel scary, if they are deep.

Size is never a good way to decide whether a lump is something to worry about however, women should not ignore any small lump; it may be typically something to worry about. A lump can be cancer even in a woman with no family history. Only five or 10 per cent of breast cancer is hereditary. The majority of women who get breast cancer have no risk factors.

Scientists also explain why some couples may have sexual headache. This they say is pain in the head that often starts during sexual intercourse. Sometimes it lasts for a short time, say between five and 10 minutes. At other times, the pain may last longer than an hour. Those who have suffered migraine, or other types of headaches, are actually more prone to sexual headache. In addition, men are actually more likely to get sex headaches because they tend to do much of the thrusting and moving during sexual intercourse. Essentially, what happens is that a man is afflicted with a headache that is similar to what he would have suffered if he had just completed an overly strenuous exercise activity.

Sex is actually an exercise and you may find it helpful to warm up a little before bringing yourself up to full speed and pace during intercourse. Actually, foreplay helps prevent sexual headaches. Reaching orgasm too quickly may also trigger off this headache. If a spouse is tensed up sexually, he or she may experience rapid increase in blood pressure, which will in turn cause the head to throb with pain. If you have sex headaches, you might want to consider allowing for a slow build-up to orgasm.

On the other hand, some sexual headaches might just be the consequence of adopting certain positions during sexual intercourse. Certain sexual positions can put a strain on some parts of the body or increase the flow of blood to the head. For example, keeping your head hanging down lower than the rest of your body or putting your neck in an awkward and stiff position during sex can cause you to have head pain. Changing your sexual positions or limiting the amount of time spent in those positions can make a vast difference in whether or not you suffer from sex headaches. In addition, incorporating massage into foreplay can help relax those neck muscles that tend to get too tense during sex.

Not only can longer, better-paced sex reduce the risk of sex headaches, but also having sex frequently may actually help you ease migraines and other types of headaches. Until I come your way again with another exciting topic, I remain your one and only devoted loyal sex therapist.

SEX AND SEXUALITY

Who should come first?

I climax faster than my wife does. In order to balance the problem, I try to stop, or pause our intercourse when I get close to ejaculation. However, that affects her and she is unable to climax. What do we do?

Emmanuel Solomon

Great news for couples who struggle with a fast ejaculatory response: your problem is not abnormal. The male sexual response curve from arousal to climax is usually much faster than the females. Recognise ways that your wife’s arousal can be enhanced by identifying her early-pre-foreplay factors. She needs time to shift gears from her personal worries. This involves focused conversation. Most women desperately want to spend time with a husband who is totally turn on to them and not the TV or newspaper or computer. She wants eye contact and some verbal response that tell her he actually heard what she said! The subject is not as important as her feelings listened to. Help with the household demands, show genuine interest in her person and not just her body and express your love in the distinct ways she will feel it most. Then when she is more receptive, some non-genital touch can make her aroused. Spending some times in ‘pleasuring’ or ‘sensate focusing’ can help you identify the most effective triggers of her arousal. For instance, lying together with the sole agenda of mutual discovery can allow each of you to learn what body areas are most sensitive and what sort of stimulation is most pleasurable. This allows you to bring each other to higher levels of arousal, as you understand your individual preferences and timing. Another approach is to increase your response time through the squeeze technique. The technique is to simulate the penis to the point of climaxing. Just before he knows he will reach orgasm, the wife squeezes the penis at the base of the corona. She holds the pressure firmly for several seconds until his sense of urgency fades. That process is repeated several times before penetration and ejaculation. With time, this conditions his physiological reflexes to last longer. The combination of increasing your wife’s arousal and your response time can help close the gap and enhance your enjoyment. It is important to know, however, that simultaneous orgasm is not the rule for most couples.

What do I do to have a second firm erection?

I am a 30-year-old male, very healthy, active, and fit. I have been married for five years and have a very healthy, satisfying sex life. There are times after having intercourse and reaching orgasm that my wife and I would like to have sex again, but it takes 40-80 minutes for me to achieve an erection again, and when I do, it is not as firm as I would like it and I’m often unable to achieve orgasm. Is there anything we can do?

Grinduju Abu

Your condition is very common, statistically speaking. There are exceptions, but that is what they are — exceptions. I think that spending another 40-80 minutes caressing, kissing, massaging, nuzzling and the like is a wonderful way to pass the time. However, if you are trying to have a second round and it looks impossible, get some of the natural herbs from Vietnam; they have put smile in the faces of many husbands.

Can’t couples be happy without sex?

You talk about sex as if it must be a do or die thing between couples, can’t a couple be happy without sex?

As a sex therapist, I can tell you that when a couple who have not been sexually active suddenly have a good experience, you can see the difference. They come in laughing and talking; there is definitely more physical affection between them. It is better than any therapy you can ever imagine. On the other hand, there are couples out there who simply do not care very much about sex. In addition, there are more sexless marriages than you would think of.   However, relationships that are bonded, loving, companionable, and devoted have the basic ingredient in it and that is committed sexual union.

By Funmi Akingbade

When you take care of the periphery, you hit the goal

ccording to the Kinsey Institute for Research in sex, gender and reproduction, about 85 per cent of married men report that their wives do not have orgasm during sexual event. These researchers say women would have a satisfying sexual experience and live longer if their husbands put more passion in the act and be more sensitive to their need and also not be in a hurry. They suggest that the husband should help his wife out on distractions; when she is distracted or worried about anything, she cannot be turned on at all!

Stress is a mood-killer for everyone, working harder, to be a wife, mother, entrepreneur or career person can take the best out of a wife. It just seems rational to give her the support she needs. Take things slowly and easy; don’t be too eager and rush through what could be an extraordinary, mind-blowing, life-changing experience. Rather, encourage her to relax; give her long, slow tender loving touches here and there, play more with her breasts, especially the nipples, suck on them and also linger more around her clitoris, you can suck on it, you can also caress it in a clockwise direction while whispering loving words into her ears and at the same time, do a upward fingering movement at the tip of her vaginal opening and before you know it, she would have forgotten all about her troubles. Once she is in the mood you are in for a treat. As a matter of fact, when husbands take their wives to this stage, the woman on the other hand always surprises the husband with her many tricks which the man never believes the woman has.

A very common complaint among women is how little foreplay they experience after marriage. Kissing and caressing are great ways to get her warmed up. Exploring each other’s bodies in an invigorating manner is a great way to encourage intimacy.

Research has confirmed that a vast majority of women prefer spontaneous sex to planned intimacy. The paradox about spontaneity is that it does not work very often without planning. If you want to surprise your wife, it means getting all other little things taken care of, making provisions for time alone somewhere romantic. She is bound to appreciate all your planning and effort! Finding the right moments to do something special seemingly impulsively will let your wife feel appreciated and this will encourage a more active, loving sex life on a regular basis!

Somewhere between foreplay and sex, there are a few special minutes when the husband can go the extra mile to take his wife to new heights of ecstasy and memorable lovemaking section. One best way, according to researchers, that could help the husband to know when his wife is ready for sexual exploit is to be able to recognise her level of vaginal wetness. A woman’s lubrication response changes during her sexual arousal and throughout her cycle as well as generally diminishing as she ages. The other physical signs of arousal are simple to detect; a warm, flushed skin; faster breathing, moans and sighs are all unbeatable great signs she is flowing in your frequency. If you push the limit and try to give her an orgasm during foreplay, you can have her begging for sex before you even begin! This kind of open communication shows that she is in the mood and really enjoying the experience. Follow her lead and if she tells you “Yes, more, don’t stop” then, well, do not stop!

Scientists say erectile dysfunction is not the same as loss of libido; they are worlds apart. While loss of libido is a temporal thing that can be corrected fast, loss of interest in sex could also be one of the most glaring forms of ED. An erection occurs when blood fills two chambers known as the corpora cavernosa. This causes the penis to expand and stiffen, much like a balloon as it is filled with water. The process is triggered by impulses from the brain and genital nerves. Anything that blocks these impulses or restricts blood flow to the penis can result in ED.

There are several forms of male sexual dysfunction, including poor libido and problems with ejaculation. However, ED refers specifically to problems achieving or maintaining an erection. A man with ED often has a healthy libido, yet the body fails to respond. ED occurs when a man has consistent and repeated problems sustaining an erection. Without treatment, ED can make sexual intercourse difficult. According to research in male aging study on sexual dysfunction, the problem can first emerge in a man as early as 39 years. Based on the study, an estimated 18-30 million men are affected by ED.

ED mostly presents itself with erections that are too soft for sexual intercourse, or erections that last only briefly, or an inability to achieve one. Men who cannot get or maintain an erection 75 per cent of the time that they attempt sex are considered to have ED. Sexual dysfunction and ED become more common as men age, about 40 per cent of men experience some degree of ED at age 38/40 compared with 70 per cent of men at age 66/70. The percentage of complete ED increases from five to 15 per cent as age increases from 40 to 70 years. However, this does not mean growing older is the end of a man’s sex life. ED can be treated at any age.

ED usually has something physical behind it, particularly in older men. However, psychological factors may be responsible for 10 to 20 per cent of men with ED. Experts say stress, depression, poor self-esteem, and performance anxiety can short-circuit the process that leads to an ED. Research suggests avid cyclists suffer more ED than other athletes. The trouble lies in the shape of some bicycle seats that put pressure on the perineum. This area between the anus and scrotum contains arteries and nerves vital to sexual arousal but being overweight and getting too little exercise also contribute to ED.

Nearly one out of every two men with diabetes experiences ED but good blood sugar control can minimise this risk. Illnesses such as cardiovascular disease, atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries), kidney disease and multiple sclerosis can impair blood flow or nerve impulses throughout the body. Lifestyle choices such as smoking, excessive drinking, and drug abuse may damage the blood vessels, impair blood circulation and reduce blood flow to the penis, contributing to ED.

Surgery, including treatments for prostate cancer, bladder cancer, or BPH can sometimes damage nerves and blood vessels near the penis. In some cases, the nerve damage is permanent, and the patient will require treatment to achieve an erection. It may be a side effect of medication, including certain blood pressure drugs, antidepressants, and tranquilizers. ED is a strong predictor of heart attack, stroke, and death from cardiovascular disease. Men diagnosed with ED should be evaluated for cardiovascular disease. This does not mean every man with ED will develop heart disease, or that every man with heart disease has ED, but couples should be aware of the link.

Many men with ED are able to improve sexual function by making a few lifestyle changes. Giving up smoking, losing weight, and exercising more often can help by improving blood flow. If you are a lover of natural herbal cure, there are lots that can help reverse the cases of ED. Vacuum devices, also called pumps, offer an alternative to medication.

Scientists say sexual performance anxiety is a major challenge of newly married couples, who have not been sexually active prior to the time of marriage. Sex is supposed to be a pleasurable experience, but it is hard to feel sexy or intimate with your spouse when you have sexual performance anxiety. When you are constantly wondering, am I doing this right or not, when you become too preoccupied to enjoy sex. Constant worry over your appearance or ability in bed can make sex stressful and nerve-wracking. It can even make you want to avoid having sex. Sex is more than just a physical response. Arousal is tied into the married couple’s emotions. When your mind is too stressed out to focus on sex, your body cannot get excited either.

Many newlyweds are anxious to know what causes sexual performance anxiety and whether there are treatments that will help bring sexual spark to the relationship. Fear of the unknown is a major road block, difficulties in marital relationship, a man’s concern about ejaculating prematurely or taking too long to reach orgasm. These anxieties cause the body to launch a response called “fight or flight.” Stress hormones like epinephrine and nor epinephrine are released in a series of reactions that were actually designed to prepare your body to run or confront a threat. Of course, your spouse is not a threat, which is why this response is so counterproductive to intimacy.

The state of mind of the spouse can have a big impact on his or her ability to get aroused. Even if you are with someone who you find sexually appealing, worrying about whether you will be able to please your partner can make it impossible for you to do just that. In men, one of the effects of the anxiety hormones is to constrict blood vessels. Less blood flowing into the penis makes it more difficult to have an erection. Even men who normally do not have any trouble getting excited can become unable to get an erection when they are overcome by sexual performance anxiety. Anxiety can prevent women from being lubricated enough to have sex, and it can take away the physical desire to make love. Anxiety can take both men and women out of the mind-set needed to have good sex. When you are focused on whether you will perform well, you cannot concentrate on what you are doing in bed. A distracted spouse is an inattentive lover; this can make you feel like more of a failure. Even if you are able to get aroused, you may be too distracted to reach orgasm.

Sexual performance anxiety leads to a perpetual cycle. Married spouses become so anxious about sex that they cannot perform, which leads to another sexual performance anxiety cycle. Try putting on some romantic music or a sexy, educative and informative movie while you make love. Think about something that turns you on. Taking your mind off your sexual performance can remove the worries that are stopping you from getting excited. Talking with your partner about your anxiety can help ease some of your worries. Trying to reach a solution together might actually bring you closer as a couple and improve your sexual relationship. There are many ways to be intimate without actually having sex. Give your partner a sensual massage or take a warm bath together. To be continued next week and until then, I remain your loyal bedroom instructor.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Does transient ischemic attack sex

Hi, Funmi, I am 71 years old and I was recently diagnosed of mild stroke (which the doctor says is transient ischemic attack) and since then, my wife has started sleeping in another room. She is blaming me for being sexually active, hence, the disease that leads to my present state. Besides I now notice that my penis shrinks. Do you have anything to say to this?

Mr Brown Priest

Contrary to popular opinion, sexual activity does not increase the risk of stroke and heart attack in older people. While people with a history of stroke or heart disease should consult their doctors and sex therapists about sexual activity, sex is a healthy form of exercise for older people. Researchers who tracked 914 married men for 20 years found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half, compared with those who had sex less than once a month. They also found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke. So, plead with her to come back. However, stress can make a man’s penis shrink. Correct Answer: True

One major reason for men to avoid stress is that it can make the penis shrink. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air do make penis shrink though, harsh weather conditions are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon, and psychological stress can do the same thing.

Is the G spot a reality?

Funmi, is the ‘G’ spot a reality or myth?

Delora from Sagamu

The G-spot is a sexually sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy found in the anterior vaginal wall. Whether the G-spot exists is a matter of debate. Popularised by a 1982 book, the G-spot is a region found behind the pubic bone that has been credited as the trigger for a vaginal (vs. clitoral) orgasm, and even a catalyst for female ejaculation. However, some experts note that there is no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it’s best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy.

My husband says I’m not doing enough

My husband always complains that I am not participating during love making. He insists that I am very inactive. He wants me to do more but I honestly don’t know what to do. How can I be more active than what I do now?

Kafali Alimi Jogun

It may interest you to know that the man’s skin is very sensitive; you need to learn the act of touching so as to please his sexual demands. Once you learn the art of erotic touch, you will not only give him a good time on bed, you will feel closer to him and he to you. You will also hit all the erogenous zones in his body. Once you have let your fingers do the talking, he will be all too eager to reciprocate. It is even erotic to ask questions as you go like ‘how does this feel?’ ‘Do you like that or this? You can even plan a sex day. Slip him a note in the morning that says, “I’ll meet you in our bedroom in 12 hours. Be there and be naked.” One thing is certain, if your husband demands you to be more active during sex, you better do.

Why do I lose interest in sex so soon?

Sometimes, when I am having sex with my husband, I start off aroused and then lose interest. I want him to feel good and to ‘finish,’ but I feel awkward and would rather stop. Why does this happen? Is it normal?

Don’t worry, you don’t have some undiagnosed sexual dysfunction just because you lose interest, occasionally, during sex. The key for you is to figure out what is working the other times. Perhaps your husband makes certain moves when you don’t lose interest that you find pleasurable. Knowing your body and communicating your wants, needs and desires are paramount when it comes to connected and satisfying sex. However, what to do in the moment when you lose interest? Let him know how you want or don’t want to be touched. If and when this happens in the future, don’t be hard on yourself. You can stop having sex, and tell him you want to satisfy him in other ways. After all, switching things up may be the pleasurable prescription to keep you engaged.

By FUNMI AKINGBADE