One of the numerous reasons for this article is to make married couples’ sex life a blissful one. So today, I have gathered some facts about the patterns of men and women’s sex drives that researchers and sex therapists have found out. However, couples should bear in mind that individuals may vary from these norms.
According to the National Opinion Research Centre, the average couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Couples under age 30 say they have sex an average of 109 times a year. The average number drops to 70 times per year for 40-somethings and 52 times a year for couples in their 50s.
Experts say sex drives of men and women differ; they say women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s are. While men may be rigid and specific about what they become aroused by, women have less-directed sex drives. Researchers say women are more likely to be more influenced by lots of irrelevant things and factors. Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context.
Experts say men score higher in libido, while women’s sex drive is more about intimacy. That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love and connection in a relationship just as women do. Most men crave more foreplay; they just view the role of sex differently.
Women want to talk first, connect first, and then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side. It is their language of intimacy. Study after study illustrates that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but also much more straightforward. The sources of women’s libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down. It is common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.
Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it. About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though they feel guilty about it, but they are forced to masturbate because they are constantly being refused by their wives. More than 80 per cent of married men confessed having cheated on their wives. Though they said they feel guilty about it, they also gave the reason for this – their wives’ deliberate insensitivities to their sexual fantasies, need and lack of innovation and tastelessness’.
Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. I hear women say in my office that sexual desire originates much more between their ears than between their legs. Married women need romance, affection and foreplay. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire. Women’s desire is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotion. Men, by contrast, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.
Most married women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in their decisions about sex. Wives who are not ‘religious’ are likely to have liberal attitudes about sex, they let go and release themselves to the pleasure sex has to offer than the most ‘religious’ ones. Married women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices, education made less of a difference with men. Women were more likely to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities.
Most married women under age 60 think about sex less than once a day.
While the majority of married men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, only about one-quarter of married women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasise less, but married men still fantasise about twice as often. Men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies. There are natural libido enhancers that can help women, please contact me.
Older married women are more likely to experience orgasm when sex is within the context of a faithful and loving relationship. Correct Answer: False
Married women over 50 are more likely to report orgasm when a sexual event takes place in a totally strange environment. Researchers speculate that coming together of long separated spouses may find the novelty of a new experience arousing.
Most second round sex is safe and healthy, sex therapists say. In addition, it can improve sexual function and relationships by teaching both spouses about their own sexual responses, so they are better able to explain to their partner what feels good to them. However, spouses who become too obsessed with third round sex may develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners.
Women experience orgasms in a different way. While researchers find it tricky trying to quantify issues like the differing quality of male versus female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there. Men, on average, take four minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation; [ideal time should be at least 10 minutes] anything lower than this is considered to be premature ejaculation. If you suffer premature ejaculation, please contact me. Women usually take around 15 to 18 minutes to reach orgasm. That is another difference between the sexes on how often they have an orgasm during sex. Among married men, 75 per cent of them report that they always have an orgasm with their wives while 29 per cent of married women report that they always have an orgasm with their husbands.
Most married women cannot have an orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris, so they need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. For women who have trouble achieving orgasm, incorporating clitoral stimulation into sexual activity may be all that is necessary. The G-spot is a sexually sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy found in the anterior vaginal wall. Correct Answer: False
The G-spot is a region found behind the pubic bone that has been credited as the trigger for a vaginal (vs. clitoral) orgasm, and even a catalyst for female ejaculation. However, some experts note that there is no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it is best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy.
A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the duration before an average married man ejaculates during sexual intercourse from the beginning of vaginal penetration until ejaculation was 7.4 minutes, while the appropriate time should be 12 to 15 minutes. The average penis length is between eight and 10 inches when erected and averages around 4.6 inches when flaccid. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon, but psychological stress can do the same thing. It is advisable to stay off stress and if you have a shrinking penis, kindly contact me.
Only 10 per cent of married men reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm, while six of married women reported that preference. Men are more likely to reach orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, but women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts that include vaginal intercourse or real foreplay sex.
Masturbation can cause injury; frequent or overly vigorous masturbation can irritate the skin of the penis, and men who masturbate facedown can injure their urethras. This has been a major cause of erectile dysfunction for many who masturbate.
Sexual activity can increase the risk of stroke and heart attack in older couples.
Correct Answer: False
While couples with a history of stroke or heart disease should consult their sex therapist about sexual activity, for the most part, sex is a healthy form of exercise for older people. Researchers who tracked 914 married men for 20 years found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half, compared with those who had sex less than once a month. They also found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke.
Couples should never make the sex bed a stage but an accommodative environment. One way to spoil a passionate relationship is to focus on performance. If you are worried about yourself-how you move, what you look like, whether you are pleasing your lover-you’re focusing too much on you and not enough on your partner and the process. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You worry about your performance, and your performance suffers. Instead, be mindful. Enjoy your senses. Experience each moment as it unfolds. Focus on touch, sight, taste, and smell. Make sure passion is your focus, not your performance.
Explore all the erotic zones and even zones you may think are less erotic. Couples should be aware that erotic is different from pornographic. Pornography serves one purpose: to excite the viewer while erotic movies, photos, stories, and poems go further. Erotic material explains why someone feels the way they do. Emotions such as love, longing, lust, and passion are expressed. You can explore the erotic by searching out books of erotic poems, finding erotic books and stories, or watching films with erotic scenes like Swimming Pool.
Be playful: Sometimes sex can be serious, say, if you are making love for the first time after a stressful period, or when you’re just in that sort of mood. But sex can be playful, too. Make a funny sound, stick out your tongue to tease your lover, play a game of naked tag, or bring a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup or strawberry flavoured natural lubricant to bed. Relate a fantasy or play a love song. Laugh at your body parts, your hair, or the way your partner sucks in air when excited. Being playful is a way to deepen intimacy. Through erotic play, trust and intimacy grow. I will like to round off by saying that couples should let their lovemaking express their innermost feelings. Love without feeling becomes mechanical and artificial over time. If you focus on technique instead of feelings, you can feel good, but you may not feel close. You may feel turned on, but you may not feel passion. Remind yourself of why you are with your married partner. What makes you care about him or her? Then let your touch express your caring and affection. Even early in a relationship, when feelings may not be so deep, you can and should express positive feelings for your married lover.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
More than confused
I am a regular reader of your column, Sex & sexuality in Saturday Punch. I got married about seven years ago and the marriage is blessed with two lovely kids; of six and two years old respectively. I fall in the category of men who did not have the ‘’best of time’’ sexually before marriage due to parental strictness and guidance (a blessing in disguise, you will say). Hence, I was looking forward to a sexually enjoyable and explosive marriage. I met my wife a virgin and she never allowed me to have sexual intercourse during our courtship.
The first six months of our marriage was beautiful when it comes to sex, but after then, her interest dwindled. She does not initiate sex anymore and I become more of burden anytime I demand sex at night. These days, I am lucky when I am able to have it once in a week; best-case scenario is twice in a week. I have tried my best to make her happy by buying her gifts from time to time; but the effect does not last long. I bought a Honda car for her just for good sex, but nothing changes.
It is becoming so frustrating. I have tried on a couple of occasions to make her read your columns but she does not; she is not an avid reader. I am giving up the fight and I do not want to seek for pleasure outside my marriage, even though the temptations are always there.
Chidim Okorowa.
Hi, well thanks a lot for sharing with me. l want to first appreciate the fact that you have done a great job by not taking irrational decisions. I would also want to add that you should try to create time out to actually pour your heart out to your wife the way you did to me now. I am so sure, when she sees the importance, she will definitely change because no woman wants her marriage to fail. You can do this by going for a weekend vacation to a free, quiet and private place together, keep the children with trusted friends and just go out alone together. This eradicates stress and helps both of you to unwind.
You should also remember that affection and foreplay means a lot to many ladies. If you skip foreplay, most of them feel as if they are being legally raped or put under the knife of a surgeon. Then make sure that the way and manner you address and talk to her is befitting a wife and not an elevated house girl.
Why do wives freeze during sex?
Just this morning, my husband told me he does not bother if he has sex with me or not, that he has made a better arrangement to satisfy himself since I always freeze up whenever he tries to be romantic and I am doing virtually nothing about it. This got me thinking hard and just like a God-sent, I read your column in the papers today.
I just got married this year and I must say it has not been easy sexually for both of us. My husband is quite considerate and gentle but I am the problem. When he is away, I long for his touches and get wet all over just thinking about him, but when he is around, I just do not enjoy sex. I am losing him. Recently, I found out he is having an affair and I cannot complain because I know I am not satisfying him. Please help me out. I want to improve my sex life.
Sweet wife
Hi, I must say you were a little bit careless about your relationship and you took a lot of things for granted. However, there is hope if you will try as hard as possible. First, you need to try to explain to your husband that your actions were not deliberate and that you were sorry for your actions and that you are ready to make amendments. When it comes to frigidity, l always tell women that it is more of a matter of the mind than the body; so you have to make up your mind that you are not abnormal; what the mind can conceive, the body can achieve. Then take time to tell yourself you will not only satisfy your husband sexually but you will make him beg for more. If you put your attention to these thoughts, your inner power will flow there and you will see that sex with your husband will be like living in paradise. Besides, go out of your way and invite your husband for sex, go ahead and even use sexy, erotic words, stand in front of him and strip dance, seduce him and whisper good nothings into his ears. Make sure that your hands are always around his loins, penis and scrotum; always caressing them whenever you both are alone and the environment is secure. Do not shy away and say you are not a prostitute. He is your man, grab all he has and turn him hot.
By Fumi Akingbade.
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