It has been observed that many wives repress their sexual desires because of some tradition and custom, but under marital and human rights, sexual desires should never be repressed. Rather, wives should accept and enjoy them. Sexual desires involve balancing the male and female energies to create harmony and also celebrate sexuality in a deep emotional context. Husbands are in the best position to assure and reassure their wives to exhibit their sexuality to the fullest. One of the many ways is to make sure foreplay ‘which is the temple of love’ is ever present in the act of sex. However, the best foreplay in the eyes of a woman is a nice compliment. At the end of a hard day, tell her how amazing you think she is; that she drives you wild and you cannot control yourself when you are in her presence. This makes her feel irresistible and sexy. They want to feel connected and understood, they want to be romantic.
Every time I am asked [by husbands] about the secret of a good erotic foreplay, I always tell them to be ‘present’ during foreplay. In order to ‘milk’ all of its possible advantages, you have to abandon yourself in the act of performance. [Many husbands are ‘absent minded’ when it comes to foreplay; they just want to get to the ‘deed’ and be done with]. This way you will regain the primitivism of sensations, the spontaneity of gestures, and your very own creativity. Therefore, when you both enter this temple of love, you will be ready to start the most mind-blowing love and sexual experience.
Start by creating a calming atmosphere, where you should not feel pressured, hurried or reminded of your daily responsibilities or removal of oil subsidy. If you want to wake up your wife’s sensuality, all doors should be put under proper lock and key, and the light dimmed, after this, I usually advise couple to give each other an erotic caressing. It entirely opens the doors to overwhelming pleasure. Remember that when you touch a body, you touch the whole person, the intellect, the spirit, and the emotions. Couples should learn to play with the power of touch more often, explore each other’s sexual geography. The fingertips and the lips should become the messengers of sensuality and softness. Your hands should glide on the entire body of your wife, from head to toe. The idea is to induce a sort of trembling vibration to her entire body, one that will make thinking on anything else difficult. Your hands should touch her genitalia regularly and lightly; this is perfect in making you full of anticipated passion, It helps intensifying your senses and eroticises your sexual desire at the same time, enabling you to climb a superior erotic peak. In the climb, all you will notice is that you climb, you come down, you tease, you relax, you burn, you chill, and so on until you feel your body ready to explode.
Get to know the clitoris. If you have been reading my articles on this page, you probably should have beeen able to figure out where the clitoris is by now. Moreover, if not, just imagine the clitoris as an eagle, perched at the top end of the vulva, with the shaft as the bird’s body and its wings spread to straddle both sides. These wings are made of erectile tissues, and pump full of blood when she is aroused- just like your penis. There are lots more to stimulate than just the pea-sized tip you are used to, so start exploring. Then find out what really turns her on, what her fantasies are and what she is curious about. Some bedroom manners of husbands most times embarrass wives but because they do not want to bruise your ego, they keep quiet, but it is crucial for you to know. Sometimes it is as important to find out her turn-offs, too. Her answers might shock you, but they will lead to better sex and a stronger relationship.
Be a master of verbal intercourse; it is strange to know that while dating, ‘husbands to be’ talk a lot but shortly after marriage, they suddenly go so quiet. Do not just tell her you love her, tell her why and explain the little things she does everyday that makes you smile. Tell her that her body is beautiful and that you have been thinking about her all day. Whisper into her ear during sex, and talk amusingly. If you engage her mind well enough, her body will soon follow.
Many married women fake sexual passion a lot, make it clear that it will not be an issue if she does not reach orgasm. Remember, more than 50 per cent of women cannot reach the Big O with penetration alone, so do not take it personal. Touch her with lubricated fingers. Not only do women like being kissed, but also they place more importance on the way you are kissing them. The lips have heaps of nerve endings that stimulate her desire and keep her aroused. Passionate kisses also raise her blood pressure, get her excited and, ultimately, bring her closer to the Promised Land. In addition, pay close attention to the central ridge of her upper lip- the ancient Greeks called this the most erogenous zone in the body.
I understand why you want to rush to the sex part and get your penis to do what it knows how to do best, but there’s something to be said about a slower pace. Moving a bit slower can help you to hold off your release in different ways – this is especially true when it comes to foreplay and trying different sensation-stimulating movements. Try a calmer, slower rhythm. If you feel yourself reaching your breaking point, pause for a moment or change positions. If you keep doing the same thing, your body is not going to react in any way other than ejaculating. Switch things up. Do not stick to one configuration or speed level. Then individual husband should listen to their body language. Most husbands are so wrapped up in the pure ecstasy of sex that they go blank and suddenly, it is over and they “come to.” This is a big no-no. How are you going to know your body if you are not paying attention to your physical impulses? Nevertheless, the rule of the game here is that the husband should be able to delay his own passion. This is how you learn how to master the art of reaching ‘authentic’ inevitable orgasm. This body orgasm arises due to the accumulated, highly amplified sexual energy radiating beyond the genitals, filling the whole body and triggering a pulsation orgasm in the man. The best thing about this kind of sexual escapade is that it lasts longer and the orgasm is more explosive. Actually, you can have two orgasms at a go. “Orgasm is simply when the body does take over”- Like I always say, lasting longer means better sex, and if you can learn how to delay your orgasm, both of you will enjoy it even. What a woman wants in bed is a man who knows how to control the timing of his ejaculation, so that both partners will get the maximum pleasure from sex.
To be continued next week. Until then, I remain your one and only loyal, devoted bedroom instructor. Have a sweet, sensual and spectacularly sexy week.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
My libido so high
Funmi, I have the libido of a 19-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I would rather have sex with my wife all the time than leave the house but the only time serious fight breaks out in our house is the time I summon courage to ask my wife for sex. Her stereotype response is ‘my libido is dead.’ What is a dead libido?
Sunny Owambe
Libido is a sexual appetite found in both man and woman. The effect in women is more pronounced than in men. It fluctuates with emotion, stress, childbirth, ill health and hormonal swing in woman. When the negative effect starts harming the relationship, check the following, an undiagnosed illness- such as glandular fever, diabetes or a hormone problem- to pills. Medications can affect libido, including some contraceptive pills.
Have you noticed her emotions? Anger and resentment have a direct physical effect on her libido. After all, it is hard for her to get excited about going to bed with you when she resents you for not helping with the housework, for example. Your best bet is to talk to your partner about any underlying issues.
Stress, anxiety, fatigue are the fast routes to a low sex drive. Is her job taking over her life? If she has something on her mind, there is not really much brain space for anything else. High level of stress is one of the biggest libido killers around. The time and energy involved in raising children can also be a factor. There are times in a woman’s life, such as when she is breastfeeding, when libido is supposed to be low. Alternatively, it might just be that she is really tired and busy and simply cannot be bothered to have sex. On the other hand, you are boring her in the bedroom and she is not connecting with you; look at your technique; ask her what she thinks you are not doing well. The key tool here is communication; tell her your frustration and set realistic goals.
How much is enough sex?
Mrs Opalujoko
The answer is different for every individual, so it is no wonder that nearly every two people find they have some difference of opinion when it comes to the frequency of intercourse.
Of all the areas of tension in marital sexuality, difference in desired frequency is the most troublesome. It is simply not an easily compromised issue.
One reason for the tension is that sex is exclusive and mutual. Sexual frequency is a two-person decision. Usually men have the higher libidinous drive (because of the colossal impact of testosterone), but certainly not always. Whichever spouse has the higher desire feels the most frustration. In addition, the difference is not something that could be anticipated from your dating days. In the excitement and romance of courtship, both partners show an intense need for physical affection. Both partners seem motivated to express their love sexually, even way into marital sex. Nevertheless, the differences start manifesting in face of challenges and demands.
I climax faster
I climax faster than my wife does. In order to balance the problem, I try to stop, or pause our intercourse when I get close to ejaculation. However, that affects her and she is unable to climax. What do we do?
Faith Michael
Great news for couples who struggle with a fast ejaculatory response: your problem is not abnormal. The male sexual response curve from arousal to climax is usually much faster than the females. Recognise ways that your wife’s arousal can be enhanced by identifying her early-pre-foreplay factors. She needs time to shift gears from her personal worries. This involves focused conversation. Most women desperately want to spend time with a husband who is totally turned on to them and not the TV or newspaper or computer. She wants eye contact and some verbal response that tell her he actually heard what she said! The subject is not as important as her feelings listened to. Help with the household demands, show genuine interest in her person and not just her body and express your love in the distinct ways she will feel it most. Then when she is more receptive, some non-genital touch can make her aroused. Spending some times in ‘pleasuring’ or ‘sensate focusing’ can help you identify the most effective triggers of her arousal. For instance, lying together with the sole agenda of mutual discovery can allow each of you to learn what body areas are most sensitive and what sort of stimulation is most pleasurable. This allows you to bring each other to higher levels of arousal, as you understand your individual preferences and timing. Another approach is to increase your response time through the squeeze technique. The technique is to simulate the penis to the point of climaxing. Just before he knows he will reach orgasm, the wife should squeeze the penis at the base of the corona. She holds the pressure firmly for several seconds until his sense of urgency fades. That process is repeated several times before penetration and ejaculation. With time, this conditions his physiological reflexes to last longer. The combination of increasing your wife arousal and your response time can help close the gap and enhance your enjoyment. It is important to know, however, that simultaneous orgasm is not the rule for most couples.
Am I too old for sex at 57?
In one of your articles, you said ‘next time you have sex, ask him to pull out after 12 thrusts.’ But I cannot even make two thrusts in before I release untimely. My penis is no longer as active as when I was ten years younger, I experience weak ejaculation a lot. Can I make at least five thrusts at 57years of age?
Larry Bono from Ghana
Yes, you can. For your age, you need a lot of good, healthy food, especially plant protein diets, lots of rest in between sex, and lots of exercise. Weak ejaculation is not synonymous with old age.
When can I resume sex after delivery
Funmi, I have been insensitive to sex since I gave birth to our child; what is going on in my body? Please, how soon can one resume sex after delivery?
Loveth from Taraba State
Loveth, all things being equal, after normal delivery, sex may be resumed right away after six weeks except where the delivery involved a surgical operation known as Caesarean section. Except where there is a doctor’s instruction on medical grounds, there should not be any reason why the wife should deny her husband of sex. Questions usually arise on C/S operations – couples want to know if the wife is medically fit enough for sex after the operation. Where there are no infections or complications, sex can resume after six weeks.
Statistics indicate that most wives lose interest in sex for more than these periods after childbirth due to the following reasons:
The mental and emotional trauma of an unusual or difficult labour; stress such as a minor operation called Episiotomy done to assist the woman during childbirth. Episiotomy can be sideways or two-sided, and as expected, the healing process can make sex to be painful and be a sex turn-off. Sometimes, the tear may not be surgically done due to labour and delivery negligence. This type of tear is ragged and tattered in nature, giving room for more pain and without doubt, the healing process will not be as smooth and as healthy as the surgical episiotomy.
Another reason may be due to induction of labour. This is an attempt to bring about regular contraction of the womb by artificial means. Forceps delivery is also another procedure that can be a reason for lack of interest in sex after delivery. This is an attempt to help bring out the baby with metal tools due to abnormal tightness of the vagina and the vulva. There is also another one called trial of labour. This is done when there is a minor or modest disproportion (inequality) of the pelvic and the head of the baby, which most times lead to caesarian section operation. Cord prolapsed is also a situation where the cord of the baby is seen first before the head of the baby. We also have prolonged labour which is an abnormal lengthened contraction of the womb during labour.
Sometimes the woman may be outright tired due to daily domestic chores, nursing of baby or babies when they are twins or triplets or quadruplets. When an exhausted nursing mother loses interest in sex, husbands are advised to assist in giving a helping hand to reduce the workload. It is also sensible that mothers in law and all other in-laws should be extremely considerate.
By Funmi Akingbade
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