From the heart of a reader

Recently, I was in my office at about 10am when my staff informed me that I had to sign for the delivery of an item sent in my name. They said the delivery man insisted that it must be me or nothing. When I eventually did as required and opened the item, it was a letter that indicated that if I did not sign for it, it should be returned. And of course by this time, everyone was curious to know the content. Lo and behold, it was a hand written letter. Part of it read, ‘No matter how long you’ve been married, it’s not too late for a great sex life. Thanks for helping us not to give up on our sex life and marriage.’

The writer said, “I was one of the few that predicted the downfall of this column from inception. I was so sure that this column would soon fold up in a matter of weeks because I thought sex was basically an animalistic instinct that should be disregarded because of the frustration I and some other people alike had encountered. But after years of frustration, some dirty infidelity incidents made me swallow my pride and became an ardent reader. Here is my story.

‘I started counting down to my wedding far too early: 429 more days, 428 more days . . . you get the picture.

‘But it wasn’t the wedding I was anticipating. It was the wedding night.

“Unfortunately, my experience didn’t live up to my expectations. Sex was painful, awkward, and embarrassing. Simply put, I was raped under the law of marriage. For several years, it was the main source of conflict in our marriage, leading us both to frustration and infidelity.

‘I’m glad our marriage didn’t stay in that rut for long, and now I’m often the one to suggest that we ‘got to have sex tonight or right away.’ But most couples, at some point or another, feel like they’re sexually incompatible. The truth is that the whole concept of sexual incompatibility is flawed because it implies that our sexuality is something unchangeable or we are static sexual beings or that the two of us may not match.

That’s simply not true.

“God designed sex to be relational and dynamic. If you and your husband are struggling, it’s not because you’re incompatible, it’s just that you both have fundamental sexual issues you need to work out, just like my husband and I. At the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I had several sexual issues. We had information deficit: neither of us knew how to make sex feel good for each other. I had physical issues since I suffered from Vaginismus, a condition that makes the vaginal muscles tense up so that sex becomes painful. In our frustration, neither of us was patient with the other. Our main aim was to get our own needs met. And I had some trust issues due to heartache and hurt in my life. And of course, we were childless for those periods of time.

“When the Sex and Sexuality column went viral, we swallowed our pride and started by tackling the issues one after the other. I literarily put everything to practice; I first started believing that I need sex as often as my husband; and that sex is equally good for me and my husband. I didn’t lose sight of the importance of fore- play, massages, funny whisperings and more romantic gestures. As he did that, my trust in him grew and the brokenness diminished. And as we became more comfortable with each other, my body literally relaxed and to my surprise, I am more of the chaser than the chased now. Meanwhile, we had been to the hospital for treatment because of my Vaginismus over and again with no improvement. We were always fighting right from the hospital room after the treatment. Nothing was helping the situation at all and to worsen it all, we had no kids of our own then.”

Well, my readers, that is a story with a struggling start but a happy ending. Do you have issues you need to work through like my ardent reader did? Here are some strategies for overcoming them.

Firstly, if you found out that you are not really experiencing those sexual fireworks you have heard and expected, you are not alone. Most couples don’t experience honeymoon fireworks. In a survey of 2,000 women that I conducted for my book, Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, I found that couples who had been married for 16, 24 years had the best sex because they had years to get comfortable with one another, even when they had been sexually active prior to their marriage. But when you keep working at it, you will get to a point you never believe you could achieve. When it comes to orgasm, 20 per cent of the women in my survey still struggle to reach climax. Orgasm is not a must for a good sex. If you have one, perfect. If you never experience one, no big deal! Earth shaking orgasm is not a requirement for beautiful sex between you and your husband. It’s easy to mistakenly think that you’re “frigid” because you can’t reach orgasm, or maybe that you “just don’t like sex.” But it’s far more likely that you just haven’t figured it out yet. Be deliberate about listening to your body and telling your husband what you like. Many women hold back because they’re ashamed that they take so long to become aroused, so they don’t ask for what they really need (validation and foreplay). Or they don’t like the way their husbands touch them but are embarrassed to say anything. I think it is best to open up to pleasurable sex with your husband and talk through those embarrassing things. And keep learning! One woman wrote to me, saying that intercourse had lost sensation for her after delivering several children. When she learned how to do Kegel exercises, to use new positions and go a little bit adventurous during sex, those simple tricks just worked magic for her and her husband. Sex became erotic and fun again.

Secondly, though sex isn’t entirely physical, if the physical part doesn’t work, sex won’t work. Whether it is erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, low libido, arousal difficulties, or pain during intercourse, name it, sex often is the physical embodiment of whatever can go wrong. Talk to a sex therapist, male sexual dysfunction can sometimes be a warning sign of something far more serious, like heart disease. Other sexual problems have medical cures too. Testosterone supplements can help men with low libido. Menopause support can help women keep up their sexual function and enjoyment. One woman who wrote me, narrated how she and her husband struggled with her spouse’ low sex drive for over ten years of their marriage. When he went for treatment, his testosterone levels barely registered. After just a few treatments, she said he’s a different person.

The most likely difficult sexual hurdle to overcome is selfishness. Our culture has made sex purely to be only enjoyed by men while wives should be onlookers. Not anymore. You have to redefine bedroom sex between you and your husband from cultural sex. Our culture has also gone overboard not knowing where or when to draw the marginal line. This has made sex purely physical, and pornographic in nature, erotica, and sex-toy shops embody this present day culture. We don’t make love anymore; we use each other. If boys (or girls) start watching porn as teenagers, their sexual arousal becomes paired with an image rather than with a person. Over time, this rewires their brains so that they require pornography or fantasy to perform. That’s why Italian researchers have found that porn and pornography-induced masturbation are now the leading causes of erectile dysfunction.

Unduly withholding sex has destroyed many beautiful homes. If one spouse withholds sex from the other, that person is denying something his or her spouse desperately needs. Many spouses do not know that their partner’s sexuality is so closely linked to their identity, feelings of self-worth and high or low level of productivity. Rejection, pain and wounds many spouses have experienced have in one way or the other had an exaggerated impact on their sexuality. Those who have been physically or mentally molested often struggle with the idea of sex being an intimate, positive experience. Many of Nigerian couples grew up in a family where sex was never talked about and often portrayed as shameful. To such wife or husband, embracing their sexuality can be far more complicated than required and that is the reason why both partners must validate themselves. We all need to be loved. The measure of need may vary but the need is the same.

Spouses should encourage their partners to open up about their struggles with marital sex. Patiently work on the solution for each other’s wholeness. When you grow together as soul mates, you’re often drawn together sexually too, which takes away some of the shame. All of us have issues, sexual hurdles don’t mean that your sex life and your marriage are destined for failure. It is not applying provided solution that will make our marriages fail. Until next week, I remain your loyal bedroom instructor. Have a splendid sex-filled weekend.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

I envy my children’s sex lives

My husband and I have hit middle age, and suddenly, his erections seem less firm and his libido has dropped drastically. He says this is normal, but sex is not just the same for me as before, this is the time I want it every now and then. Moreover, I am even ashamed to admit to myself that I am more active sexually now than ever and I sometimes even envy my children’s sex life and activities. Sometimes, I secretly ask them to tell me about their sexual activities (pretending to be interested in their relationship) only to get myself aroused and masturbate afterwards.

Funmi, please be honest with me, is this normal?

Mrs. Salomen Iniowo

First, it is very normal for you to be more active sexually now than ever because it is part of aging for women. Also, you are more peaceful emotionally, even though there is no need for you to envy your children’s sex lives because you can experience same. Most males after middle age experience changes in sexual function. They may not develop an erection as quickly or as often as before. Their erections may not be as firm. They may not maintain the maximum erection. Ejaculation may not occur as quickly and there is typically less volume of semen, but sex can still happen.

These changes usually develop slowly and may not always occur to the same degree. In other words, the erect penis may be larger and firmer one day, but not the next. Sometimes other factors affect a man’s system: fatigue, alcohol use, and some types of medications, dejection and anxiety, mainly “performance anxiety.” Actually, this problem of performance anxiety is a good reason for you not to express your concern about your husband’s erectile changes in derogatory terms or accusatory tones, but rather find a way around it.

If you do, it will make him have low sex-self-esteem which could make him worry more about loss of potency and make normal sexual function even more difficult. On the positive side, some couples find that the changes in a husband allow him to last longer in intercourse, which can potentially provide greater stimulation for his wife. Your husband is extremely interested in and perhaps anxious about your reactions to his problem. He’s also probably very sensitive about it. Be as reassuring as you can about your love, admiration and respect. Eliminate words that might be interpreted by him as rejection. A problem like this calls for teamwork, however, when changes in erectile ability are creating serious tension between spouses, it’s a good idea to consult a sex therapist. Recently, I have in addition found out some natural researched herbs with no side effect from Seychelles that can cure and also slow down erectile dysfunction to a very large extent. For more detailed information about these herbs, please call me.

What is the standard size of the vagina?

Does the vagina have a standard shape and size? What can help me to have orgasms?

Eunice Bello

The vagina is an elastic, muscular canal with a soft, flexible lining that provides lubrication and sensation. The vagina connects the uterus to the outside world; the vulva and labia form the entrance and the cervix of the uterus protrudes into the vagina, forming the interior end.

The vagina receives the penis during sexual intercourse and also serves as a conduit for menstrual flow from the uterus. During childbirth, the baby passes through the vagina (birth canal).The hymen is a thin membrane of tissue that surrounds and narrows the vaginal opening. It may be torn or ruptured by sexual activity or by exercise. Research indicates there’s no standard size or shape for a woman’s vagina. Factors such as age and height help determine the dimensions of an adult woman’s vagina. Kegels are exercises in which you squeeze the muscles around your vagina as if you were trying to stop the flow of urine. Also called pelvic floor exercises, Kegels can help prevent urine leakage as well as accidental passing of stool or gas by keeping the uterus, urethra (the tube that carries urine outside the body from the bladder), and bowel from sagging into the vagina. Strengthening these muscles may improve orgasms.

How can I see my wife as attractive?

Since I was a teenager, I have been conditioned to think that overweight women are sexually unattractive. This is causing a problem with my sexual performance because my wife is now very overweight. All the other areas of our marriage are healthy, but as you can imagine, the sexual area affects everything in some way. Occasionally, I fantasise about my wife when she was slim, but this leads to thinking about other women. How can I see my wife as attractive?

Obey Holland

Three factors are frequently associated with weight gain in women: pregnancy and childbirth, genetic patterns, and eating associated with emotional issues. The third is where attitudes about sex exert their influence.

Whatever the cause of obesity, there can be effective control. I know from experience that this isn’t easy or quick, but it is possible. Try and help your wife recognise that this is a problem she can successfully overcome with your assistance and support. First, a thorough evaluation is the starting point. She needs to discover what easily increases her weight followed by realistic decision to do away with such things. Whatever decision she takes, it must involve exercise and changing eating habits.

I haven’t forgotten your original question, but I do think both issues need to be addressed: your wife’s weight problem and your desire to change your thinking to “see your wife as attractive.” Our culture makes that very difficult. If you have to help her gain that weight back, you also must help yourself retain a healthy sex life. For now, you have to avoid seductive movies and pornography that make you only to fantasise about slim women.

By FUNMI AKINGBADE