So, how’s your sex life? This is a question couples find difficult to answer straight and satisfactorily whenever they are either on the phone, or on skype or in my office for counselling or consultation. Most times, when I eventually get answers, they are more of a life threatening reply than expected. Many times, these answers make you develop a deep sense of pity for either the couple or one of the partners as only 14 per cent gives you favourable answers. Why do we still have so much sexual mix-up when knowledge is available all around us? Couples are not exposing themselves to the very visible side of sex. Satisfactory sex is still a mirage to many couples.
Human beings are creatures famously consumed by thoughts of sex, yet many couples remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. So many couples are shadowed by self-doubt and clouded by myths and misconceptions. It’s not just about our mind-set, it is also about our readiness to change and also work on our sexual mechanics. Couples are mentally and physically hampered or hindered in many ways; they are impeded on their path to greater sexual pleasure. Can’t we all just have great sex? Of course, we can.
Beforehand, I would love to encourage couples not to be disorganised with anxiety or plagued by concerns during sex especially over their performance, nor worried about the worthiness of their physique during lovemaking. This is one of the greatest destroyers of great sex. Because even when you both did well sexually, I mean your wife literarily melted at your touch, you also boom and blossom like a horse rider, and both of you had a good climax but one of you still harbour a feeling of ‘I did not do well enough’ or the other fellow is suspicious of his or her partner’s under-performance: nursing the impression that you’re not getting it as often as everyone else, comparing your sexual satisfaction with the last conversation you heard while with your pals. This feeling will make you believe there is still something better whereas you are just doing great.
Secondly, great sex is actually in the eye of the beholder. For some couples, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partners. For other couples, it might mean being able to last for twenty to thirty minutes; for yet others, it might be the after effect of the blowjob that is still making your brain to spin. To others, it might be the fact that you were just closer to yourselves than you used to be, while to others, it is the ability for all the sensitive erotic organs (like the nipples, breasts, clitoris, tip of the penis and some others) in you shouting ‘yeah, I am put to maximum use, thank you’ and so on. In other words, being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your spouse first and then to yourself. Best sex is when a partner sees good sex from the eye of his or her spouse.
Does he or she think heavenly about kissing? Does he or she prioritise the act of good kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal? None of these should be underestimated; it’s a tool for communicating great sex to your spouse. Try it. Tell your spouse what you want. Ask what he or she likes. The truth of the matter is if you get to know yourself and your spouse, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive moments in your sexual relationship.
A lot of wives are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking. If a husband has verbal facility and can entice his wife through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his great sex tools.
Do not paint a distorted picture for another man, ask for something new you can take home if you happen to talk with your friend about sex. When men do talk, they often boast about their sexual prowess. They tend to exaggerate their exploits, painting distorted pictures of their sex lives to one another. A lot of men end up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wild sex or more frequent satisfactory sex.
As much as you may share sexual ideas with others, do not compare your sex life with unhealthy pornographic display. Couples should not try to learn everything about sex from pornography. But a lot may be needful if the erotic films are very educative and informative. Pornography is populated by flawlessly formed women and men with imprinted art work abdomen and ‘out of this world’ endowments. Adult entertainment makes many husbands and wives wonder: why can’t I have a wife like this or why can’t my husband be just like this man? Beside the fact that real people are not always with perfect bodies, one of the most destructive myths of pornography is that it convinces so many couples that they are either frigid or lack good libido, whereas they are just perfect and very okay. They forget that pornography is self-selecting men and women who have been injected with killing artificial libido enhancing drugs. Some of the other fictions that pornography perpetuates are the idea that women are always primed and ready (but you and I know that in the real world, many wives do say ‘no’ to sex most times if not all the time); and pornography portrays that the same moves work on every partner. Same moves do not always work for everyone. One man’s food may be another man’s poison. There is a need to keep studying your spouse regularly. Another thing is that satisfying sex always culminates in orgasm. Many couple have never experienced orgasm and they are doing pretty well sexually. Pornography can inspire us to greater sexual exploration. But learning from it takes time to implement, so there is a need for partners to be patient with each other.
Focusing on pleasurable sensations has over the years helped many couples a lot. These are techniques ranging from eye-gazing to eye-caressing and synchronised breathing that help keep you in the moment and now because great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future. This is also applicable to anxiety. When couples fix their mind on anxiety about their performance, they mess things up; if couples can just relax and don’t bother about how well they are going to perform sexually, this will open them up to better sex and they will have great sex all the time.
Lastly, couples are encouraged to make sure they are happy with one another as this helps them to be healthy. When a husband in particular is naturally happy, he gets instant ragging erection and a very hard steaming ejaculation. As the saying goes, the best measure of a man’s character is the company he keeps. But what about his sexual health? According to a recent research, the best measure of a man’s sexual performance is his erection. Good erection equates real man and great sex. A man’s overall health directly affects the quality of his erections. And if the promise of longer life isn’t enough to convince men to take care of themselves, the promise of harder erections might be.
Ironically, a husband’s sexual performance and the quest for great sex is still the greatest hook to get him to make some real healthy good life changes. This is because it has become hard to deny the importance of erections in men’s health. It is now clear that men with heart disease are more likely to develop erectile dysfunction (ED). Men with ED were 80% more likely to develop heart disease than men without ED — regardless of smoking, high blood pressure, diabetes, and weight. Men in their 40s who had ED had the most dramatic increase in heart disease risk. They were more than twice as likely to develop heart disease as men of the same age without ED. Men with moderate-to-severe ED were 65 per cent more likely to develop heart disease over a 10-year period compared with men who didn’t have ED.
If a blockage forms in the heart, it causes a heart attack; in the brain, it causes a stroke. What does that have to do with an erection? To get erect, the penis must become engorged with blood; and for that to happen, the endothelium must relax, allowing the arteries to widen and let blood flow into the penis. Arteries that lead to the penis are smaller than the arteries that lead to the brain or the heart. And most times, these arteries get blocked leading to ED. By definition, having ED means a man cannot get an erection hard enough for penetration or one that lasts long enough for him to reach orgasm. So to have great sex, make sure you are happy, avoid anger, worries anxiety and watch your health.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
We hardly have time for sex
Funmi as much as my husband and I love to have sex, how can we handle the prevailing obstacles? We are both tired, our own kids are light sleepers, I am not happy with my weight, I am stressed out over deadline pressures at work. In short, there is no time.
Mrs Onoso Okuhebuchi
There are many reasons why couples find themselves reaching for the pillow or the remote control instead of their spouse’s body after the sun goes down. But a healthy sex life is a key part of an intimate relationship, and neglecting it can push the two of you further apart. Sex is so important to the overall health of your relationship. So, prioritising what’s important to the two of you is very important. But first of all, you have to rediscover each other without pressure, make out for space and time where you can escape and get creative, even if that time is in your house (or car, or backyard). Plan a quick trip to any nearby eatery for lunch during your afternoon break, make sure the venue is not too far from your office let it become a habit, and you’ll feel reconnected, and the desire will just grow from there or take a break for a romantic encounter so as to reconnect in a non-sexual way. Once you’re reconnected in this way, a quick sexual encounter may regain its excitement. Then find a practical way to spice up your sex life, try a different place, a different time, a different position, have a morning quickie. Try sex in the shower, or in the kitchen. Remember to clean up afterward.
I only give in to sex to keep the marriage
For me lately, I am not in the mood for sex and to cap it all, sex hurts and my husband is not cooperative at all. So for sometimes now, I have suffered in silence; giving in to sex just to keep the marriage.
Mrs. Budoju Obed
For many wives, not finding out their sexual trigger and pointing it out to their husband may be one major reason for lack of interest in sex. So kindly find your sex trigger. Then sometimes, it’s not that you’re not feeling in the mood, it’s that your body isn’t cooperating because sex may actually be painful. This can be a big issue for wives approaching menopause. It may be the sign of another health problem or behavioural issue. For example, anxiety and hormonal imbalances can all contribute to sexual dysfunction in women. In fact, not getting enough sleep diminishes female libido. As women age, oestrogens levels decrease and this affects a lot of organs, including the vagina. When vaginal tissues atrophy and thin out, losing some of its blood supply, intercourse becomes more painful. Some wives describe it as sandpaper. Vaginal oestrogens lubricants are very effective. There’s also the possibility that you may have a condition of the vagina or vulva that’s causing a problem, which is a key reason to check with your doctor should intercourse become painful. A dwindling libido may not just be a sign of aging, but no matter what the reason for your diminished desire, getting back on track with your husband sexually is going to take some effort. “Sex takes work and you have to focus on it just like everything in your relationship. There isn’t a magic pill.
Is erectile dysfunction hereditary?
For many years, my father suffered from erectile dysfunction to the point that my other entire siblings were fathered by his younger brother from an extended family. My father told me in secret that he inherited it from his father and believed that, it was better for his younger brother to father his children than for him to own up that he has impotency issue. I am in my early 20’s my question is that is this truly hereditary and what can I do not to repeat this?
The worried son
Well, impotency or erectile dysfunction is not hereditary. The things that could be hereditary are the causes of ED which could be hypertension, diabetes mellitus and some other cases, and if an individual from such linage observes a very good early healthy life style, the possibility of not repeating the same mistake is guaranteed. And for men with a diagnosed ED, one way to improve erectile dysfunction is to make some simple lifestyle changes. For some men, simply adopting a healthier lifestyle, such as quitting smoking, staying off artificial food items and drinks, reducing stress and exercising regularly may be all that is needed to find relief. Exercise regularly; this helps to strengthen the heart, builds energy level, lowers blood pressure, and improves muscle tone and strength. It strengthens and builds bones. To get the most benefit, you should exercise at least 20 to 30 minutes, preferably on most days of the week. For those who require more intensive treatment, adopting these lifestyle changes in addition to other treatments can further help. In fact, there are lots of natural herbs that help give this social killer a one off cure. Please contact me.
Lastly, do all you can to reduce stress. When stress persists, it can affect the body and illnesses can occur. The key to coping with stress is to identify stressors in your life and learn ways to direct it.
I’m never in sex mood
My husband tells me he often thinks about sex during the day, but I never do. I don’t think I’m a very sensual person. I like being close to my husband, and I almost never turn him down when he initiates sex. But truthfully, I’m never in the mood. Should I just accept the way I am, or is there something I can do to become “sexier”?
Shondu Abakaloc
Sometimes for some couples, there’s more to being sexy than erotic daydreams. For a wife to accept and enjoy her own sexual feelings in response to her husband’s advances is a wonderful expression of sexuality. Developing a level of trust and safety in the context of sexual play is another. That’s expressed in being naked and unashamed, wanting to give your body to your husband. Even the simple act of touching your husband affectionately is a sexy behaviour. However, if you don’t enjoy sex or are not usually orgasmic, your satisfaction level may increase by adding some sexual thoughts to your day. Thinking about your most romantic and sexually exciting experience just before your husband comes home can increase your level of responsivity. Most husbands want to feel needed sexually. Although you may never need your husband sexually as much as he needs you, your occasional initiation of sex can be rewarding in deepening your oneness. Do it as an act of the will, motivated by your desire to give love.
By FUNMI AKINGBADE
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