Health Benefits of Having Sex with your spouse every day.

Having sex every day not only gives you great opportunities to explore kinks and get creative, it also has excellent health benefits.

Sex is great for so many reasons, but did you know there are actual benefits to getting down and dirty on the daily that don’t have to do purely with the pleasure of having an orgasm? It’s true. While many may not feel they have the schedule for daily romps between the sheets, the benefits will certainly outweigh you going into work a little late the next morning! If you can’t afford to be having sexy time every single day, at least try to aim for a couple of romps within a week.

Rest assured, many of these benefits come from orgasm alone, so you don’t have to worry about whether or not having a partner will affect your chances of reaping these sex benefits.

Why you should have daily sex

In reality, there shouldn’t be any reason to have to convince you to start getting your freak on every day other than the simple fact that it’s fun, but for those who need a little more convincing, here are some great physical and emotional excuses to start orgasming on the daily.

#1 It connects you as a couple. Partners tend to get frustrated with one another, when they aren’t having enough sex. Think that’s just your selfish partner missing their orgasm? Think again. There’s a reason we feel an exaggerated form of love after sex, and it’s more than just the oxytocin affect.

Sex connects us as partners. It creates a bond of intimacy that stretches beyond simply having an orgasm *but hey, that’s good, too!* and strengthens your connection as a couple. Getting this boost of affection every day will do wonders for your relationship in the long run.

#2 It’s good for your heart. While this sounds like a great line to use on your significant other, it’s actually true! One study showed that men who had sex two times a week or more were less likely to die of heart disease. Sex is good for your heart rate and overall cardiovascular health.

#3 It’s great exercise. While facts have become clearer regarding the elusive “sexercise” regime not exactly burning 1000 calories a week, sex is still a great form of exercise, if done every day. To really boost calories burned during the dirty, try challenging new positions such as The Kneel *sitting on front of one another on your knees*, standing up, or The Shoulder *putting your legs straight into the air over his shoulders while he holds up your butt. Hot and a definite workout!*

Sure, you can always just hit the gym and go for a jog every morning, but wouldn’t it be so much better for both of you if you can engage in mutual exercise and bond at the same time?

#4 Say goodbye to prostate cancer! A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that men who had orgasms regularly were less likely to develop prostate cancer. The best part? You don’t even need a partner! As long as you’re coming, it doesn’t really matter how you go about getting the job done.

#5 A cure for the common cold? Well, maybe not. But studies have shown that regular intercourse will help improve your immune system by boosting the immunoglobulin A antibody, which helps protect your sexy body from fever and common colds!

#6 Perfect for period cramps. “I’ve got my period” is a fantastic excuse not to get your groove on with your man. When you’re cramped, bloated, and bleeding, odds are you aren’t feeling too sexy, but consider this: many women are also super horny during this time of the month, and having an orgasm can actually reduce period cramps.

This can be due to the muscle contractions involved with climaxing, or sheer mental distractions due to all those pleasurable feelings. Either way, seems like a win-win for you and him during that time of the month!

#7 Feeling stressed? Get it on! Sex resulting in orgasm, along with touching and cuddling have been proven to be perfect stress relievers. Orgasm also releases that feel-good oxytocin, aka the love drug, which acts as a stress reliever and all around awesome sedative against bad feelings.

So the next time you’re overwhelmed with stress because of work, the bills, your kids or whatever else you have going on in your life, give yourself and your partner a break by having a little fun between the sheets. You’ll emerge from the bedroom refreshed and ready to take on the world!

#8 You’ll sleep like a baby. For men in particular, something about reaching the big O really tires them out – resulting in an amazing, deep sleep. Having great sex notoriously results in having  great, relaxed sleep, due to the release of the prolactin hormone in your body. If you want the assurance of great ZZZs every night before bed, make sure you set aside some pre-bedtime lovin’.

#9 Improves bladder control in women. Because your pelvic floor is being exercised and strengthened during intercourse, you’ll have improved bladder control over time, which helps prevent incontinence and the “sneeze/squirt” so common among women post-childbirth. Attractive, no? Combat this common problem by exercising your pelvic floor with orgasmic contractions.

#10 Sex makes you look 10x younger. Or something like that. According to the book “Secrets of the Superyoung” by clinical neuropsychologist David Weeks, sex can make you appear younger. Sex that results in an orgasm release hormones and balances out testosterone and estrogen levels, making your skin shine with a supple, youthful glow. Goodbye wrinkle creams, hello great sex!

While not all benefits listed are scientifically proven, they sure are a fun addition to your week. However, if you lead a busy life and sex isn’t a plausible part of your daily routine, try to adjust your schedule. I guarantee you’ll be reaping delicious and healthy rewards by making the effort to fill up your sexual calendar.

To Burn Big Tummy Fat -Top 10 Easiest Ways To Do It.

The best way to get a slim waistline is exercising and the focus of this write-up is on the reasons why fat accumulates in the belly and having cognisance on the causes of Abdominal fat. Though, a change in diet and lifestyle might make you want to back out. But wait, don’t lose hope yet. we are going to unwrap Top 10 Easiest Ways To Burn Big Tummy Fat

First, before we proceed, let us find out some of the major causes of Abdominal Fat.

1. Genetics
2. Hormonal Changes
3. Stress And Hypertension
4. Alcohol
5. Late Night Eating
6. Sedentary Lifestyle
7. Disease
8. Poor Posture

However, to curb this bogus bulgy tummy we should be committed to this practices.

1. Enhancement of Liver function:

The liver as we all know is a vital organ of the digestive system which aid in detoxification, protein synthesis, and production of biochemicals necessary for
digestion. It also produces bile, an alkaline compound which aids in digestion via the emulsification of lipids. Once the bile lacks the regulatory materials to
function, an impending tummy protrusion ensues.

2. Eat Right:

Reducing abdominal fat is 80% about eating the right food. In other for the liver to function properly you need to maintain a healthy and balanced diet, with adequate
macro and micro nutrients. Most importantly, skip takeaways and fast foods. Eat food prepared at home. Don’t have time? Go for raw fruits or veggies, or steam cooked
veggies instead.

3. Drink Water:

Many get confused between being thirsty, tired or hungry, and end up nibbling sugary or fatty food. Always carry a water bottle. And make sure you keep sipping water
throughout the day. One need to drink 6 – 8 glasses of water, though this depends on your weight and lifestyle. Calculate accordingly and make sure you consume enough
water.

4. Short Bursts:

According to recent studies, instead of working out for hours or running a few miles, doing short bursts of active exercises is very helpful in reducing stubborn fat.
For example, if you are walking on a treadmill, randomly increase the speed for a few seconds and get back to walking.

5. Avoid Sugar:

Sugar is one thing you should greatly reduce, if not omit from your daily platter. There are many sources of hidden sugar, so it’s a good idea to reduce sugar. Use
alternatives like honey, palm sugar and licorice extract.

6. Reduce Sodium intake:

Of course, you need to add salt to your food. Besides sodium salt, you have potassium, lemon and sea salts you can consider. Also, adding spices like pepper, a few
herbs also helps reduce salt requirement.

7. Vitamin C:

Vitamin C is important for the secretion of carnitine, a compound that helps body convert fat into energy. Besides, it also helps block cortisol, a hormone that’s
secreted by the body when under stress. Spike in cortisol levels is the main reason for abdominal fat.

8. Fat burning foods:

There are many natural ways to reduce fat. . Garlic, onion, ginger, cayenne pepper, cabbage, tomato, spices like cinnamon and mustard are some of the fat reducing
foods. Consuming a few cloves of raw garlic and a 1-inch piece of ginger every morning is good for fat metabolism.

Having a glass of warm water with lemon juice and honey in the morning, is a popular option for weight loss. Similarly, there are many other ways to induct fat burning
foods in one’s diet.

Also, when trying to get rid of bad cholesterol, addition of good cholesterol can be helpful. Avocados, olives, coconut and nuts are few sources of good cholesterol.

9. Do not skip breakfast:

Many think skipping breakfast helps with quick weight loss. On the contrary, skipping breakfast is a major blunder. It increases bloating and pushes your body into
starvation mode, a key for abdominal fat gain.

Latest studies reveal having smaller and frequent meals is the key to maintain a healthy metabolism rate, which is important for weight management. So reduce the size
of your meals and make up for it by snacking healthy. You could consider having dry fruits and nuts, raw veggies or fruits and steamed veggies.

10. Sleep:

Wondering why we are talking about sleeping here? Adequate sleep is very important for weight management. Everyone needs 6 – 8 hours of sleep. According to a recent
study, too much of sleep or the lack of it can lead to weight gain.

Orgasm: why she has to fake it

It is an established fact that most women hardly reach orgasm during sex. It often takes special skill and patience and likely combination of other factors for the average woman to get to the peak of her sexual pleasure. However, the story is not so in reality.

Most women have perfected the art of faking it, such that, for some, it is difficult to tell when it is real. There are many ways women fake orgasm which an experienced and attentive lover can easily detect simply because it is mechanical. For instance, a moaning that is not in accordance with what is going on or a lack of involuntary movement of the pelvic muscles, no beads of sweat or dampness of the skin and dilated pupils. There are several reasons why women put up this grand shows for their men; from playing selfless heroes to ignorance. However, knowing and understanding why she does it, might help a good partner re-strategize and plan his sex life better, if he is really into his woman.

The war between men and women
Always remember that   men and women are wired differently when it comes to sex. Almost all the time, sex is typically great for the man but hardly so for the woman. Even women’s sexuality differ from woman to woman. Women are slower to get to the peak of their pleasure. Most women find it difficult to orgasm with just coital stimulation or vaginal intercourse.

Most women orgasm quicker with clitoral stimulation. Some women need a combination of clitoral and vaginal stimulation to get to the peak.   A good lover must have these facts jammed to the back of his head and be ready to put in the work required. Until you discover what she needs and are prepared to give it to her, she will continue to fake her orgasm. Another difference is that most women will reach orgasm more easily with partners they feel a connection with. When a certain level of trust has been established, a woman will feel more relaxed in the arms of her partner. She is therefore able to enjoy a satisfying sex.

Start learning from the very scratch
We have been taught that communication is the key to success in a relationship. Communication during sex is therefore very important. Sex is important to a relationship as oil is important to an auto engine. It is therefore important that you pay attention to your woman’s sexual pleasures especially at the early days of your intimacy. This is the time you are just getting to know each other’s body, pleasures, likes and dislikes and even sexual orientation. Remember that your woman is no fool, piece of toy or tool to be tossed around as you please. She owns her body, so she ought to know her body and how it works better than you. Pay attention to what she tells you and do what she says she wants. These include things like sex position, motion, intensity or speed of how she wants to be touched and how you ought to move. Take hints and follow cues. If you give her what she wants in bed, then she will be happy and crave more intimacy with you. Then she won’t have to fake an orgasm.

Oh selfless woman!
The   American Psychological Association website in an article written by Sadie F. Dingfelder said one of the conscious reasons women in heterosexual relationships (man and woman) fake orgasm is “altruistic deceit”. This simply means, avoiding hurting the guy’s feelings. It is an attempt by the woman to protect the man’s ego by making him feel that he is doing a good job at pleasuring her while in reality he is not. According to the survey, the bomb here is that she is indirectly using it as a “relationship maintenance strategy” a means of ensuring that the relationship is sustained. Somehow, we have managed to get it into our heads and psyche that a man derives pleasure and satisfaction from knowing that he is able to give his partner sexual satisfaction in bed. This, we think, will make him happy and want to be with the woman. We are also stuck with the idea that sex is made for the pleasure of the man and it is our duty to provide these pleasures for our men. So, rather than allowing our guys to sweat it out by striving to discover how to perform his duty successfully, we resort to helping them cut corners. Faking orgasms for the woman therefore, is a double edge sword. First, she plays up to the guy’s ego and also keep him in the relationship. The snag here for me is that this is a no win situation for such a woman since she has to endure unpleasant sex which does not guarantee the success of the relationship in most cases. Poor women!

Sheath the swords
Going to bed feeling angry and sore with your partner is never a good recipe to a good night sleep, more also a good relationship. Couples who fight, nag or are angry at each other all day are not likely to have a very pleasant and pleasurable sex life. Oftentimes, these disagreements means no intimacy. However, intimacy does happen regardless of how the partners feel about each other since sex is often a need rather than an expression of love and care. Men are usually the culprits here and some even use it as a weapon to make their women even angrier. Some men believe sex is a right that comes with the package in a relationship and must therefore not be denied on demand. thus when sex is demanded in this scenario, most women simply swallow their disappointment and give in, pretending to enjoy it, some with the hope that it will make things better. One would hardly expect such an act will bring pleasure, more so, optimum satisfaction.

The sooner the better

Although pain during sex can be pleasurable for some people, generally, pain is not a good thing. If a woman experiences pain while having sex, it is only natural that she will want things to be over as quickly as possible. Pain or discomfort during sex is an indication that something is wrong and needs medical attention. Some women also get sore really fast most times due to lack of adequate lubrication or an imbalanced vagina PH. So, rather than spoil your pleasure moment, she might just fake it to get it over with as quick as possible.

Artistic performance
Believe it or not, there are some women who know next to nothing about their own body and sexuality, let alone, sex. Some women don’t know what an orgasm is or feels like. So once they start to feel a little tickle or tingling down there, they believe that’s it! And since many of us learnt our few first cues on sex from movies and romantic stories, we just go on to perform like we are competing for the AMMA awards, acting out these scenes in our heads.

Fear of exposure
For some women, faking orgasm is a way of protecting themselves and salvaging their sexual ego. Many women would not readily admit their awkwardness, discomfort with their own body or a lack of knowledge of what can even give them pleasure during sex. Some believe that showing they enjoy sex portray a bad picture about them, while some others just feel very insecure especially if they have had difficulty in a past relationship. Fear of feeling vulnerable and exposed during sex may also force some women to pretend to enjoy sex.

The problem with faking sexual pleasure is that sex may never get better and the woman remains unsatisfied. With time, bitterness and hurt creeps in and there is a disconnect between the partners. Some go on to continue enduring it while some others just simply drift apart. The success of most relationships, especially in our society depends on more on how much a man is willing to sacrifice for the relationship. Most women are mouldable and easily committed to their relationships.

The importance of communication cannot be overemphasised in a relationship and if you have not been doing it, it is never too late to start. Do have a love filled Sunday!

Woman, you’re likely to have a stroke!

S-T-R-O-K-E. The six-letter word is capable of instilling fear in the heart of any middle aged person, because its onset might as well be the end of life as you know it, and the beginning of a journey to the world of pain, dotted with much spending on hospital visits, medications, and rehabilitation.

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Stroke is no fun for both the victim and the caregivers – be they family or medics.

While it’s not exclusively a female health problem, medical statistics show that women are more prone to developing a stroke, compared to men. Worse still, statistics show, 60 per cent of stroke deaths occur in females, while the other 40 per cent occur in males.

In fact, the very factors that make you a woman also predispose you to the possibility of developing a stroke later in life, experts warn. These include pregnancy, childbirth, and your female hormones. But while you may be helpless about these factors, there’s plenty you could do to keep in good health and keep a stroke at bay.

Experts say in order to minimise damage and make for effective treatment, a stroke must be diagnosed within the first three hours of the first symptoms.

Symptoms of a stroke

A neurologist, Dr. Segun Adewoye, says symptoms of a stroke include confusion, trouble with speaking and understanding, headache (possibly with altered consciousness or vomiting), numbness of the face, arm or leg (particularly on one side of the body) and trouble with seeing in one or both eyes.

The World Health Organisation adds, “Other symptoms include difficulty understanding speech; difficulty walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination; severe headache with no known cause; fainting or unconsciousness.”

The woman factor

The online portal, stroke.org, notes that in addition to the general risk factors such as family history, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, smoking, lack of exercise, and being overweight, as a woman you are faced with unique risk factors! What are they? Read on.

Birth control pills

Yes, we know that we have to control our family by limiting the number of children we give birth to. This is a herculean task for any woman of childbearing age, considering that some men still see family planning as a woman’s thing. Consequently, women are exposed to all sorts of drug interventions that aim to control their fertility.

In some women, scientists warn, oral contraceptives increase the risk of high blood pressure and blood clots. Physicians warn that the risk is greater if you smoke, already have high blood pressure, are over the age of 40, have other risk factors for heart disease or stroke, or already have a blood-clotting problem.

Gynaecologists say the greatest concern about using oral contraceptives is that additional risk factors, such as age, smoking, high blood pressure or diabetes expose women to the risk of having a stroke in a lifetime.

They warn that women who take even a low-estrogen birth control pill may be twice as likely to have a stroke as those who don’t; and the risk may increase if other risk factors are present.

Consultant gynaecologist, Dr. Mary Ogidan, counsels that women should be screened for high blood pressure before they are allowed to take birth control pills.

“This is because hypertension, also called high blood pressure, is a major risk factor for stroke. High blood pressure can damage arteries throughout the body. Weakened arteries in the brain put you at much higher risk for stroke, since a stroke occurs when a blood vessel to the brain is either blocked by a clot or bursts – depending on the type of stroke involved.

“That’s why a patient’s blood pressure is of the essence each time they visit the hospital,” Ogidan explains.

Pregnancy

In any culture or civilisation, being pregnant is usually joyful news, because a new baby would be born. But then, pregnancy also predisposes a woman to the possibility of strokes later in life, experts warn.

Scientists say stroke risk increases during a normal pregnancy due to the natural changes in the body such as increased blood pressure and stress on the heart.

Worse, physicians say, if you’re obese, younger than 20 or older than 40 years of age when pregnant; or if you are pregnant with more than one baby, or have diabetes, kidney disease, or rheumatoid arthritis, then your chances for preeclampsia are enormous.Ogidan adds, “Preeclampsia is a pregnancy complication characterised by high blood pressure and it typically starts after the 20th week of pregnancy. It doubles a woman’s risk of a stroke later in life. That’s why we urge pregnant women to be in regular touch with their doctors. It’s the least they can do to keep alive and also have a healthy baby.”

Hormone Replacement Therapy

For women, menopause is a new experience that needs plenty of adjusting to, as it usually happens midlife, bringing with it a lot changes that sometimes cause concern for the menopausal woman and her family.

Physicians have been attempting answers to some of the conundrums that menopause poses, what with the offer of a combined hormone therapy of progestin and estrogen that is now being suspected of doing more harm than relieving menopausal symptoms.

Consultant Reproductive Endocrinologist, Prof. Oladapo Ashiru, says the actual problem has to do with synthetic chemicals. He notes that natural, plant-based hormone replacement therapy does not have the untoward side effects associated with the synthetic ones.

The bottom line

Experts advise that reducing even one risk can greatly lower your chances of having a stroke. In other words, you are not as helpless as you may want to believe when it comes to the risks of having a stroke.

Sugar, diseases and detoxification

Sugar is the generalised name for sweet, short-chain, soluble carbohydrates, many of which are used in food. They are of various kinds and from different sources, mainly plants, but especially extracted in sufficient concentrations from sugarcane and sugar beet.

Simple sugars are called monosaccharides and include glucose (also known as dextrose), fructose and galactose. The table or granulated sugar most customarily used as food is sucrose, a disaccharide which, in the body, hydrolyses into fructose and glucose.

In recent times, the awareness of the relationship between sugar and chronic diseases is ever-growing and cannot be over-emphasised. According to a study published in 2013, nearly one in five U.S. deaths is now associated with obesity. Obesity is, indeed, a marker for chronic and potentially deadly disease, but the underlying problem that links obesity to so many other serious health issues — including heart disease, arthritis, cancer, infertility and diabetes — is metabolic dysfunction.

Now, mounting evidence clearly shows that added sugars, and processed fructose in particular, is a primary driver of metabolic dysfunction.

One of the primary sources of calories for many of us is sugar — specifically high fructose corn syrup in soda, fruit juice and processed foods. Because of advances in food processing technology in the 1970s, fructose derived from corn has become very cheap and is widely used in the majority of processed foods for increased sales.

The body metabolises fructose much differently from glucose — which is the energy that most body cells and, indeed, all living cells utilise. Only about 20 per cent of glucose in the body is metabolised by the liver, as most cells in the body utilise it for energy. On the contrary, the entire burden of metabolising fructose falls on the liver, where excess fructose is quickly converted into fat — very low density lipoproteins and triglycerides, which explains the weight gain and abdominal obesity experienced by so many.

Refined fructose is actually broken down very much like alcohol, damaging the liver and causing mitochondrial and metabolic dysfunction in the same way as ethanol and other toxins. It also causes more severe metabolic dysfunction because it’s more readily metabolised into fat than any other sugar.

The fact that refined fructose is far more harmful to the health than other sugars was recently highlighted in a meta-review published in the Mayo Clinic Proceedings, the premier high quality peer-reviewed clinical journals in general and internal medicine.

According to modern Mayr medicine, many of the harmful bacteria in the intestinal tract such as Candida and other fungi multiply rapidly when sugar is present in the tract, since they are able to digest sugar.

A study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association concluded that there’s “a significant relationship between added sugar consumption and increased risk for cardiovascular disease mortality.”

The 15-year-long study, which included data for 31,000 Americans, found that those who consumed 25 per cent or more of their daily calories as sugar were more than twice as likely to die from heart disease as those who got less than 10 per cent of their calories from sugar.

On the whole, the odds of dying from heart disease rose in proportion with the percentage of added sugar in the diet, regardless of age, sex, physical activity level, and body mass index.

Fructose is the primary cause of non-alcoholic fatty liver and elevates uric acid, which raises blood pressure, stresses the kidneys, and leads to the chronic, low-level inflammation that is at the core of most chronic diseases such as arthritis, and leading to heart attack and stroke. Metabolically speaking, fructose is alcohol “without the buzz.” Elevated uric acid levels have been implicated by many studies in diseases such as arthritis, hypertension, heart disease, obesity, stroke, kidney disease and preeclampsia in pregnancy — where uric acid’s ability to promote inflammation, oxidative stress and endothelial dysfunction has a debilitating impact on placental development and function and maternal vascular health.

Fructose tricks the body into gaining weight by giving false signals to our metabolism — it turns off the body’s appetite-control system. It does not appropriately stimulate insulin, which in turn does not suppress ghrelin (the hunger hormone) and doesn’t stimulate leptin (the satiety hormone), which together result in you eating more and developing insulin resistance and eventually, diabetes.

Fructose rapidly leads to weight gain and abdominal obesity (beer belly), decreased high-density lipoprotein — the good cholesterol, increased low-density lipoprotein — the bad cholesterol, elevated triglycerides, elevated blood sugar, and high blood pressure — i.e. classic metabolic syndrome X.

Does your love life have the ‘S’ factor?

It’s exhilarating to fall in love, but will it last? To help you sustain the glow of the love you so much cherish, here are some guides given by a sexologist guaranteed to put a bit of sizzle into your love life

—all starting with the letter S!

SNUGGLING: There’s plenty of evidence to show that hugs can do great things for our relationships. Tests show that oxytocin the ‘cuddle chemical’ our bodies produce during sex—is also released by non-sexual touching, such as stroking.

Research has found that happy couples are likely to have at least four hugs a day. And in a recent survey, six in ten people said being touched by their partners help them to relax.

SHARING: You may share a bed, but do you and your partner share the housework? If not perhaps it’s time you had a word. A recent report found out that divorce rates are lower in families where the man takes on a fair share of domestic chores.

It avoids resentments building up and helps foster a sense of teamwork and togetherness.

SNOGGING: Adolescents are obsessed with it, but snogging isn’t just for teenagers.

According to reports couples who kiss regularly are more likely to have a happy healthy relationship. Forget the polite pecks. When you both get home after work, give your man a sweet, loving kiss on the lips. Slowly build up the passion. Tease his tongue with yours… you should see an instant spring in his, er, step!

SURPRISE AND SPONTANEITY: A little element of surprise helps to ignite romance.

Yet in a recent study of 3,000 couples, a third of them said their relationships lacked a park of spontaneity. It needn’t mean jetting off to exotic locations. How about an Impromptu candle-lit meal at home, or revisiting the place of your first date?

SENSUALITY AND SEDUCTION: Appeal to all your partner’s senses to set the ultimate mood for romance. Light some scented candles for an exotic aroma. Open a bottle of something sparkling and taste those bubbles. Play some sexy music to enhance the atmosphere. Set the lights low, then use a silky scarf as a blind fold to introduce a thrill of uncertainly and concentrate on sensual touch.

SPENDING TIME TOGETHER: Statistics show that on average, couples without children spend around three hours a day together. And after the patter of little feet fills the air, it’s typically half that.

But the activity that takes up the most of their time together is watching TV—not very intimate! So try turning off the telly and doing something different. Go for a leisurely walk, or make a special dinner together. Even playing cards means you ‘re focusing on each other rather than staring at the box.

By Bunmi Sofola

I lost my man because I slept with 43 men

Dear Julie,

I’m in deep s**t over relationships. I’m a 35-year-old woman and met a very handsome 43-year-old man. We’ve been dating for five months now and still haven’t slept together.

My problem is that in the beginning of our relationship, he asked me how many men I’ve slept with and worried about how he would react, I lied and told him I’d slept with seven men. But after a few months, I could not live with the lie and finally decided to tell him the reason why I still haven’t slept with him yet.

I told him I didn’t want to make love because I was scared that he’d lose respect and eventually leave me like all the other men. At this point he asked me again, just how many men were there, to which I replied forty-three.

His reply was, “Hmm, one for each of my birthday.” And from that day on, I never heard from him again. I don’t get it , why is it that when men sleep around, they’re studs , yet when women sleep around, they’re sluts ? Why can’t women have their fun too?
Bubu, Abuja

Dear Bubu,
I’ve spoken with quite a number of women asking the same question. I don’t want to pass judgment on women, nor am I saying that women shouldn’t enjoy themselves sexually. But men and women are never the same. You expressed fear about losing respect and the way I feel as a woman is that women should be worshiped by their men.

An object that has value is worshiped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life.

Most women don’t realize the importance men place on a woman’s promiscuity. Women think that because men don’t care about how many women they’ve slept with, they won’t care about how many men their woman has slept with. But the reality is that most men, those looking for a serious relationship and not a one-night stand do place great value on a woman’s sexual restraint.

There was a time when many women cherished their bodies much like a sacred temple where only a noble man, one who respected and loved her, had access to her body.

But over time, it seems that women have failed to realize the important role their sexuality plays in finding a long-term mate. Thanks to the women’s movement, women are so busy trying to compete with men, including in the sex department, that they fail to realize the consequences of their actions.

Today, it seems that women are the ones who are collecting notches on their Prada belts by giving their bodies away too easily. But if women themselves don’t value their bodies like they used to, why should men?

Some women will argue that if men have the right to sleep around, so should women. But I ask only one question: If women adamantly believe this, then why is it that when faced with the question of how many men have they slept with, most women who have slept around with truckloads of men always lie?

Some women will rationalize that they must do so because men can’t handle the truth. But if this is the case, why don’t women let men decide for themselves if they can or can’t handle it? Why do women need to lie to protect men’s egos? I think women lie to protect themselves rather than men because if it’s not shame or regret that’s making you hold your tongue, then the potentially dire consequences of the truth surely are.
The power lies with women…

Sexual ruckus among couples

Just this morning a friend of mine said, ‘Funmi when you started writing on sexual matters, I told myself that since sex is a basic thing, you’d soon run out of material but sincerely I must say you are always surprising us with something new every now and then. You seem to relate sex with every day-to-day life. I particularly always look up to your masterpieces; they are not only new but also right on time and relevant.’

Frankly speaking, to the ill-informed couples especially those that have been married for some time now, sex seems like it is the same old thing. It does feel frustrating at times. However, the truth of the matter is simply this, what you do not know about sex can hurt you and your spouse. In my few years of counselling couples and researching sexuality, I have discovered human sexuality continues to develop and reveal new information day in day out.

Here are a few new discoveries about sex that most couples do not know.

All couples would face some common areas of contention and conflict as they grow in marriage. Nevertheless, the warning here is that if these common areas of argument are not carefully looked into with great alertness, they may eventually lead either of the spouses into temptation, infidelity and total collapse of the union. Areas such as lack of frequency, sex should be as often as possible, not when it is convenient for one spouse. God does not frown at the fact that a married partner gives his or her spouse sex morning, afternoon, night or midnight 24/7. Spouses should joyfully make each other available for their partners; they should not do so grudgingly, especially the wives.

Tiredness is not sex-friendly. Spouses should re-examine their work schedule and the amount of time allocated for office or business work and make time available for their partners sexually. Carrying office workload to the bedroom is not a noble act; if this can be stopped, it will enhance closeness. Spouses should try not to sleep off immediately after eating or make other option for sex. For example, sex can come first thing in the mornings before going to work.

Distraction is a big challenge married couples contend with regularly and until the battle against it is won, the sexual life of the couples will suffer greatly. Excessive time spent with the TVs, movies, laptop must be adjusted. Moreover, the habitually accommodating too many visitors which is typical of African culture is not healthy for the couples’ sex life. It deprives the couples of quality sexual time together. The bedroom should be a restricted area for visitors and the in-laws.

Initiating sex is not the only way to express sexual desire.

Although 80 per cent of couples report that the husband wants sex more often than his wife does. This may be a twisted number, partly because of the way we define sexual desire. Most of us think that sexual thoughts or fantasies prompt us to initiate sex.

It turns out, however, that most women experience a receptive type of sexual desire. Twenty years of research confirms that for many women, desire is “triggered” by thoughts and emotions arising during sexual excitement, not before. Therefore, when a husband becomes frustrated because he wants his wife to pursue him sexually and he believes that she has no interest in sex because she does not do that, he is actually not giving her enough credit! Most women will respond positively to sexual advances, they just do not initiate them because that is not the way they were designed.

Since our culture defines sexual desire as that initiating and seeking behaviour, we do not identify a woman’s receptivity as desire. However, men and women (usually) respond to different types of sexual stimuli and approach differently their sexuality.

This is a key area of misunderstanding between husbands and wives. Many women have told me, “I enjoy sex once we’re 10 to 15 minutes into foreplay, and I think, wow, we should do this more often, it’s so erotic and captivating! Nevertheless, during the week I hardly ever think about it. I wish I felt more sexual than I do, because I enjoy the closeness it brings.”

Most of us assume our partner should act as if we do. By recognising that most men are proactive with sex and most women are reactive, and then by accepting and respecting those differences, we can allow a woman’s type of sexual desire to “count.”

From discovery, hostile attitude has prevented many couples from enjoying the gift of sex. The constant display of excessive annoyance, intolerance behaviour, animosity, bad temper, violent reactions or intense dislike…are bad omen to a good sex life. Many couples should have been able to say positively that they enjoy sex but for many unromantic conditions they find themselves. For instance, a wife who is constantly rebellious or resentful of her husband or her in-laws, or on the other hand, publicly insulting her husband, will meet a demon by her bedside and not a sex partner. Alternatively, the husband who demoralises the self-esteem of his wife will sleep with a log of wood and not a sexually responsive wife.

Whenever I have opportunity to counsel some married couples, one of the reasons for their sexual turn-offs are stories of intimidating past sexual experiences; rejection, negative harsh comments, sexual subjection, disdain reactions, deliberate refusal to put to practice what the other spouse wants or needs, and using sex as instrument of strive or punishments. These and many alike would never stimulate erotic feeling or passionate sensation from any reasonable partner.

I always encourage couples never to criticise things that may possibly never be changed in their partners. Constant embarrassing comments on your spouse’s shortcomings before or during sex is very dangerous. When the man experiences constant premature ejaculation and the wife says ‘and you call yourself a man… or when the wife’s breast is ridiculously small and the husband says ‘oh how I love big breasted women.’ On the other hand, when one of the spouses snores and the other partner says ‘I can’t differentiate between your noise and the generator’s,’ or when spouses start comparing their partner’s sexual performance level to their former lovers. Care must be taken to handle this area wisely.

Couples should realise that breastfeeding has a direct link with sexual frequency. Lowered sex drive is extremely common after childbirth and even throughout the first year, particularly in breastfeeding women. Many couples do not realise the impact childbirth and breastfeeding can have on their sex life. Prolactin, the hormone that enables women to make breast milk, also lowers sexual drive—though scientists still cannot tell us why. Nursing women frequently feel tired and overwhelmed during the early months of breastfeeding. Yet their husband’s sex drive has not waned.

For many husbands, the wife’s attention is now shifted from him to the baby. Her decreased desire to touch, cuddle or have sex may prompt increased pressure from him, which is typically counter-productive. The result is an increasing gap between what he wants and what she wants.

Many couples, whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding are not prepared for the multiple changes each baby, especially the first, adds to their relationship. They believe they will scale through those first four to six weeks and then—poof!—resume their sexual relationship without a hitch. These unrealistic expectations can lead to a great deal of disappointment, frustration, and conflict.

Libido doesn’t usually “jump back” to pre-pregnancy levels until several months after a mom quits breastfeeding—sometimes as long as one year after stopping. If couples realise this is common, they can better talk through the timing of stopping, the pros and cons of breastfeeding and bottle feeding, and the adjustments required to adapt as a couple through this time. Moreover, whenever a wife needs to tell her husband that she is tired, she should do it with a good sense of diplomacy.

Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.

More than 60 per cent of women must have direct clitoral stimulation in order to climax. In fact, believing a woman should achieve orgasm through intercourse alone is like expecting a man to reach orgasm by only stroking his testicles. Do not ignore the facts of anatomy. A woman’s clitoris is similar to the head (glans) of the man’s penis. Often, the clitoris is not stimulated by intercourse. If the head of the penis were not involved in intercourse, he would not come very quickly to orgasm. Like the penis, the clitoris engorges with blood during arousal. Touching before she is aroused can be unpleasant, or even painful.

Women differ greatly in how they enjoy having their clitoris stimulated, and the types of stimulation can vary during the different stages of lovemaking. It’s helpful (and can be fun) for a wife to show her husband how she wants to be stroked by placing her hand over his and actually putting pressure on his fingers to demonstrate where she likes to be touched, how lightly or firmly, and how slowly or quickly she likes the movements to be.

There is a fine line between turn-ons and turn-offs. The best sex is when a mate knows the difference.

We call these “brakes and accelerators.” Your sexuality is like driving a car. You cannot go very far, very fast, or without damage if you are driving with your foot on the brake. Sexual brakes are those things that hinder your arousal or enjoyment of sex. Some common examples are making love when you are exhausted, feeling criticized by your partner, or trying to be sexually intimate when your in-laws are staying in the bedroom next door.

Sexual accelerators are those things that lead to greater interest and arousal. Some might be feeling rested and relaxed, compliments and affirmations about each other’s character and/or body, or daydreaming about positive sexual experiences with your spouse.

Some of the biggest problems come when one spouse thinks he is accelerating, while his mate is feeling the brakes. An example would be “risky” sexual behaviours—having sex in the back seat of a car when you could be “caught,” for instance. Other examples would be engaging in a sexual act that makes your partner feel inhibited and uncomfortable.

Sex is a gift, not a right; a couple cannot have a great sex life if the husband demands sex. Nor can it be great if a wife believes she has to have sex with her husband out of obligation. A great sex life grows only when both discipline themselves to give to each other. God’s greatest blessings are offered and received freely. When you freely give yourself to your spouse, and freely receive your spouse into yourself, you nurture your marriage as God celebrates and affirms: Promote a greater sex relationship by simply applying words of courtesy.

Appreciate your spouse after each round of sex. Appreciation is approval, admiration, positive reception or gratitude. Words are stimulant that energises any one to perform better. Words of appreciation can be said in many different ways such as… ‘Thanks, that was great’ … ‘welcome home.’ When wives operate sealed lips, it bruises the ego of the man in particular. He may no longer find complete sexual fulfilment in such a wife. Research has discovered that nicknames stimulate the African man to do better such as …Champion, Professional, Strongman, the Emperor, the rod is well built, Hercules, Expert, Specialist… and so on.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

My husband in constant pain

Dear Funmi, my husband was disabled in a bad accident and now he is in constant pain. Therefore, we have not had sex in a long time. I love my husband and want to turn him on. I have exhausted every option: dressing up, taking a vacation, marriage counselling and sexual toys. Nothing helps. I really miss his touch. In addition, being without it is killing my self-esteem. Any ideas?

Mrs. Diplomatic

Chronic pain is often too difficult to ignore in order to respond sexually. Have you and your husband pursued every avenue to achieve pain control? If not, go to a doctor for treatment and emotional rehabilitation.

Your best approach for physical affection and sexual release is to tell your husband just what you told me. You expressed your love and concern for your husband; you indicated your willingness and attempts to make things happen. You stated clearly your desire for his affection—and what has happened to your self-esteem because of not having sex. Your husband needs to hear those things. As a person in pain, he should be able to identify with your pain.

If he has not read the mail you sent me, write those words in a love note to him. Let him know he does not have to become some super lover, but that you want to feel his touch again. Maybe you can remind him of the warmth you once shared. Then discuss some ways you can both work to have a satisfying sexual relationship. For example, if his hands are not involved in the accident, both of you could have foreplay together and he could ‘finger’ you to orgasm.

Difficult to arouse her

We have been married for three years and though I try to do all the “right” things, it is still difficult to arouse my wife during foreplay. Sometimes the more I touch her, the more dry she gets and the whole exercise becomes unpleasant. She is circumcised and we are both frustrated!

Mr James Right

Arousal is a complicated physiological process influenced more by relational and emotional issues than physical stimuli. This is especially true for women. It sounds as though those components may provide keys to your wife’s failure to become aroused.

I will suggest that the two of you explore your experiences, attitudes, and expectations about sexual intimacy. Begin by writing out your earliest memories about sexual awareness. Include what images you remember and the feelings and interpretations you made as a child. These memories will likely go back to preschool years. Carry the process throughout your developmental years, identifying the attitudes and expectations your experiences produced. For instance, many women recall sexual abuse, which can cause them to become detached or paralysed with fear when approached sexually. Next, investigate your courtship. How did your physical expressions of affection influence you? Many couples will overlook or minimise negative feelings during the passion and excitement of dating and marriage.

Compare your interpretations of your relationship. Often couples have quite different impressions. It is easy, in fact normal, for each person to view events through opposing mental filters. The sensitive romantic caresses of a husband may feel like invasion to a wife who has not resolved recent conflict or hurt.

Men tend to focus only on the physical aspects of sexual intimacy, while wives are unresponsive when the relational foundation has not been laid. No amount of tender caressing will produce vaginal lubrication if her emotional needs are not met. Then finally you must find out the degree of her circumcision and be very gentlemanly with her. Then just pray together when every other thing fails.

By FUNMI AKINGBADE

A must read for all men: Accessible facts and figure for men's sexual performance.

The average African man’s insatiable search for sexual knowledge is primarily driven by his quest to be the best on sex bed at any given time and he will do anything and everything to protect his penis and erection, because a good erection validates a man. So today, we shall be providing some accessible facts and figures for better sexual awareness. This is because men hit their sexual peak at the age of 18. This is true, at least regarding a man’s supply of testosterone, although, peak hormone levels don’t equate to peak sexual performance. However, as he reaches his peak at that age, his sexual function also declines with age.   As his testosterone level falls, it takes more to arouse him. And once aroused, he takes longer to get an erection and to achieve orgasm.

Age also brings marked declines in semen volume and sperm quality. As a matter of fact, erectile dysfunction or impotence is clearly linked to advancing years. Studies show that between the ages of 40 and 70, the percentage of potent men falls from 60 per cent to roughly 30 per cent. Men also experience a gradual decline in urinary function. A man’s urine stream weakens over time as a consequence of weakened bladder muscles and, in many cases, prostate enlargement. And that’s not all. Recent research confirms that even the penis itself undergoes significant changes as a man moves from his sexual prime; that is, around age 30 for most men into middle age and on to older age. The penis changes in appearance, in size and in functionality. Noticeably, the head of the penis (glans) gradually loses its fresh, lively colour; it looks more like a dry rough and scaly skin. This is as a result of reduced adequate blood flow to that area and there is also a slow loss of pubic hair. The pubic hair becomes scanty, faded in colour and unhealthy looking. As testosterone decreases, the penis gradually reverts to its pre-pubertal, mostly hairless state. The penis reduces in size and shrinks by the day as man gains weight and grows older. This is so because as fat accumulates on the lower abdomen, a large pre-pubic fat pad makes the penile shaft look shorter. Even in some cases, the abdominal fat completely buries the penis, giving it the appearance of the tip of the smallest finger index.

In addition to this apparent shrinkage (which is reversible; kindly call me for details), the penis tends to undergo an actual (and irreversible) reduction in size. This reduction is in both length and thickness and very noticeable. “If a man’s erect penis is 8 inches long when he is in his 30s, it might be 5 or 5 and a half inches when he reaches his 60s or 70s depending on the abdominal fat and the rate of reduction.

What causes the penis to shrink? Aside from the fact stated above, two mechanisms are involved. One is the slow deposit of fatty substances (plaques) inside tiny arteries in the penis, which impairs blood flow to the organ. This process, known as atherosclerosis, is the same one that contributes to blockages inside the coronary arteries, a leading cause of heart attack. Another mechanism involves the gradual build-up of relatively inelastic collagen (scar tissue) within the stretchy fibrous sheath that surrounds the erection chambers. Erections occur when these chambers are filled with blood. Blockages within the penile arteries and increasingly inelastic chambers mean smaller erections. And as penis size changes, so does the size of the testicles. Starting around age 40, the testicles definitely begin to shrink. The testicles of a 30-year-old man might measure 3cm in diameter and that of a 60-year-old, perhaps measures only 2cm.

Ironically, the posture of the penis also changes when good penis hygiene is not in place. Numerous studies have shown that the penis becomes less sensitive over time when the owner is very careless in taking good care of it, by exposing it to sexually transmitted diseases, or too much masturbation and indecent application to sex. The penis may also be less sensitive if it is injured and the tunica albuginea is torn. This is a fibrous sheath that is stretched during an erection. This kind of injury is called a “penile fracture,” and it mostly occurs during sexual activity. This can make it hard to achieve an erection and to have an orgasm and invariably renders orgasm less pleasurable.

This can also be as a result of low level of testosterone that the man is not aware of because testosterone majorly fuels sex drive, increases muscle mass, regulates mood and the bone strength. Although a slow drop in testosterone is a normal part of aging sometimes called “andropause” or “male menopause,” for many men, this doesn’t cause any significant problems or symptoms. Others may notice hot flashes, irritable moods or less interest in sex, a drop in testosterone doesn’t always interfere with sex, but it can make it more difficult for a man’s brain and body to get aroused. Some men may notice a drop in libido, while others may lose interest in sex completely. Low testosterone can also make it tougher to get or keep an erection. Testosterone helps a man’s body to make sperm. When levels of the hormone are low, his sperm “count” can be low too. Without enough sperm, he may not be able to father a child. Getting older is the most common reason testosterone levels dip. But illnesses such as type 2 diabetes, liver or kidney disease, pituitary gland problems and testicle injuries could also be the reason for such.

One of the ways to help restore ailing testosterone is for a man to engage in good exercise because testosterone rises after exercise. If you’re overweight, exercise can improve your testosterone levels by helping you shed some kilogrammes; although the levels are typically highest in the morning and lowest in the afternoon.

And a man needs to have erections regularly to keep the penis in shape. To maintain a healthy tone, the smooth muscle of the penis must be periodically enriched with oxygen by the rush of blood that engorges the penis and makes it erect. Please note that when a man is physically able to get erection but fails to have it during the day (maybe he finds himself in very un-erotic circumstances for a long time), this should not make him anxious at all because the brain has an automatic penis maintenance function built in. But some men are physically unable to get erections, such as those who’ve suffered trauma to the nerves involved or who have nerve or blood vessel damage caused by diabetes. These categories of men should look out for solution because if they don’t do anything to maintain normal erections, they will get shortening of the penis. Without regular erections, penile tissue can become less elastic and shrink, making the penis 1-2cm shorter. I also want to establish the fact that a man with a big, limp penis does not necessarily get much bigger with an erection. In fact, the man with an average size penis or the ones that look tiny might get a surprisingly big erection.

Researchers have concluded that the underside of the glans (head) of the penis and the underside of the shaft are most sensitive to sexual pleasure; followed by the upper side of the glans, left and right sides of the glans, sides of the penis, upper side of the shaft.

But the sensitivity declines with age plus or minus as from age 25 because the sensitivity of the penis is gauged by the least amount of stimulation a man is able to feel.

Strange but true, a man’s penis is twice as long as he thinks it is. This is because half of the length of the penis is inside the body. Just like you don’t see all of a big oak tree above ground, you don’t see the root of your penis tucked up inside your pelvis and attached to your pubic bone. That is why a sex therapist says the imbedded part inside the body can be made to grow out. If you want to find out more, kindly give me a call.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Do you think there is hope for me?

Funmi, do you think there is hope for me? I lost my spinal cord sensitivity after an accident and my marriage was just two years old before the incident. I am so worked up and frustrated now because first, I can’t satisfy my wife sexually. Secondly, I am beginning to suspect her for infidelity. Thirdly, I have good sexual urges but no erection. I am honestly finished sexually and I am afraid I will lose my marriage.

Mr Adetunji Gbongbolore

I would like to say firstly that you are not finished and that you are not going to lose your marriage and there is a way out for you. You have to do all you can to put your mind to rest; half of the things we are afraid of never really happens. Trust your wife and shower her with appreciation, after all she is still in your house taking care of you. Then I also want you to know that recently, it was discovered that vibrators work on the penis of people like you. Yes vibrators aren’t only for women. They work on the penis, too. In fact, vibration is so effective on the penis that often men with spinal cord injuries can ejaculate with the aid of a special medical vibrator. For this kind of treatment, the vibrator is usually held against the underside of the head of the penis. This medical-grade vibrators is tuned to stimulate parts of the nervous system involved in ejaculation. They work at frequencies or amplitudes that are more specific to the [nerve] pathways. Even men with delayed ejaculation and those that have difficulty in reaching orgasm have benefitted tremendously from the use of this medical vibrator.

Is it easier to get a urinary tract infection via sex in the missionary position?

I get this burning sensation and itchy feeling each time I have sex with my husband, especially when we practise missionary position.

The latest bride

No. A urinary tract infection happens when bacteria that may be present near your vaginal opening or the tip of the head of your husband’s penis migrate up the urethra to the bladder. Any type of intercourse can propel these bacteria into your urethra, triggering the abdominal pain, burning sensation while urinating and constant urge to urinate.

Before you have sex, reduce the UTI odds by gently washing your vagina zone with mild soap and water, which will reduce the amount of bacteria outside your vaginal opening. And also wash your husband’s penis, then urinate immediately after sex.

FUNMI AKINGBADE