Sexual ruckus among couples

Just this morning a friend of mine said, ‘Funmi when you started writing on sexual matters, I told myself that since sex is a basic thing, you’d soon run out of material but sincerely I must say you are always surprising us with something new every now and then. You seem to relate sex with every day-to-day life. I particularly always look up to your masterpieces; they are not only new but also right on time and relevant.’

Frankly speaking, to the ill-informed couples especially those that have been married for some time now, sex seems like it is the same old thing. It does feel frustrating at times. However, the truth of the matter is simply this, what you do not know about sex can hurt you and your spouse. In my few years of counselling couples and researching sexuality, I have discovered human sexuality continues to develop and reveal new information day in day out.

Here are a few new discoveries about sex that most couples do not know.

All couples would face some common areas of contention and conflict as they grow in marriage. Nevertheless, the warning here is that if these common areas of argument are not carefully looked into with great alertness, they may eventually lead either of the spouses into temptation, infidelity and total collapse of the union. Areas such as lack of frequency, sex should be as often as possible, not when it is convenient for one spouse. God does not frown at the fact that a married partner gives his or her spouse sex morning, afternoon, night or midnight 24/7. Spouses should joyfully make each other available for their partners; they should not do so grudgingly, especially the wives.

Tiredness is not sex-friendly. Spouses should re-examine their work schedule and the amount of time allocated for office or business work and make time available for their partners sexually. Carrying office workload to the bedroom is not a noble act; if this can be stopped, it will enhance closeness. Spouses should try not to sleep off immediately after eating or make other option for sex. For example, sex can come first thing in the mornings before going to work.

Distraction is a big challenge married couples contend with regularly and until the battle against it is won, the sexual life of the couples will suffer greatly. Excessive time spent with the TVs, movies, laptop must be adjusted. Moreover, the habitually accommodating too many visitors which is typical of African culture is not healthy for the couples’ sex life. It deprives the couples of quality sexual time together. The bedroom should be a restricted area for visitors and the in-laws.

Initiating sex is not the only way to express sexual desire.

Although 80 per cent of couples report that the husband wants sex more often than his wife does. This may be a twisted number, partly because of the way we define sexual desire. Most of us think that sexual thoughts or fantasies prompt us to initiate sex.

It turns out, however, that most women experience a receptive type of sexual desire. Twenty years of research confirms that for many women, desire is “triggered” by thoughts and emotions arising during sexual excitement, not before. Therefore, when a husband becomes frustrated because he wants his wife to pursue him sexually and he believes that she has no interest in sex because she does not do that, he is actually not giving her enough credit! Most women will respond positively to sexual advances, they just do not initiate them because that is not the way they were designed.

Since our culture defines sexual desire as that initiating and seeking behaviour, we do not identify a woman’s receptivity as desire. However, men and women (usually) respond to different types of sexual stimuli and approach differently their sexuality.

This is a key area of misunderstanding between husbands and wives. Many women have told me, “I enjoy sex once we’re 10 to 15 minutes into foreplay, and I think, wow, we should do this more often, it’s so erotic and captivating! Nevertheless, during the week I hardly ever think about it. I wish I felt more sexual than I do, because I enjoy the closeness it brings.”

Most of us assume our partner should act as if we do. By recognising that most men are proactive with sex and most women are reactive, and then by accepting and respecting those differences, we can allow a woman’s type of sexual desire to “count.”

From discovery, hostile attitude has prevented many couples from enjoying the gift of sex. The constant display of excessive annoyance, intolerance behaviour, animosity, bad temper, violent reactions or intense dislike…are bad omen to a good sex life. Many couples should have been able to say positively that they enjoy sex but for many unromantic conditions they find themselves. For instance, a wife who is constantly rebellious or resentful of her husband or her in-laws, or on the other hand, publicly insulting her husband, will meet a demon by her bedside and not a sex partner. Alternatively, the husband who demoralises the self-esteem of his wife will sleep with a log of wood and not a sexually responsive wife.

Whenever I have opportunity to counsel some married couples, one of the reasons for their sexual turn-offs are stories of intimidating past sexual experiences; rejection, negative harsh comments, sexual subjection, disdain reactions, deliberate refusal to put to practice what the other spouse wants or needs, and using sex as instrument of strive or punishments. These and many alike would never stimulate erotic feeling or passionate sensation from any reasonable partner.

I always encourage couples never to criticise things that may possibly never be changed in their partners. Constant embarrassing comments on your spouse’s shortcomings before or during sex is very dangerous. When the man experiences constant premature ejaculation and the wife says ‘and you call yourself a man… or when the wife’s breast is ridiculously small and the husband says ‘oh how I love big breasted women.’ On the other hand, when one of the spouses snores and the other partner says ‘I can’t differentiate between your noise and the generator’s,’ or when spouses start comparing their partner’s sexual performance level to their former lovers. Care must be taken to handle this area wisely.

Couples should realise that breastfeeding has a direct link with sexual frequency. Lowered sex drive is extremely common after childbirth and even throughout the first year, particularly in breastfeeding women. Many couples do not realise the impact childbirth and breastfeeding can have on their sex life. Prolactin, the hormone that enables women to make breast milk, also lowers sexual drive—though scientists still cannot tell us why. Nursing women frequently feel tired and overwhelmed during the early months of breastfeeding. Yet their husband’s sex drive has not waned.

For many husbands, the wife’s attention is now shifted from him to the baby. Her decreased desire to touch, cuddle or have sex may prompt increased pressure from him, which is typically counter-productive. The result is an increasing gap between what he wants and what she wants.

Many couples, whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding are not prepared for the multiple changes each baby, especially the first, adds to their relationship. They believe they will scale through those first four to six weeks and then—poof!—resume their sexual relationship without a hitch. These unrealistic expectations can lead to a great deal of disappointment, frustration, and conflict.

Libido doesn’t usually “jump back” to pre-pregnancy levels until several months after a mom quits breastfeeding—sometimes as long as one year after stopping. If couples realise this is common, they can better talk through the timing of stopping, the pros and cons of breastfeeding and bottle feeding, and the adjustments required to adapt as a couple through this time. Moreover, whenever a wife needs to tell her husband that she is tired, she should do it with a good sense of diplomacy.

Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.

More than 60 per cent of women must have direct clitoral stimulation in order to climax. In fact, believing a woman should achieve orgasm through intercourse alone is like expecting a man to reach orgasm by only stroking his testicles. Do not ignore the facts of anatomy. A woman’s clitoris is similar to the head (glans) of the man’s penis. Often, the clitoris is not stimulated by intercourse. If the head of the penis were not involved in intercourse, he would not come very quickly to orgasm. Like the penis, the clitoris engorges with blood during arousal. Touching before she is aroused can be unpleasant, or even painful.

Women differ greatly in how they enjoy having their clitoris stimulated, and the types of stimulation can vary during the different stages of lovemaking. It’s helpful (and can be fun) for a wife to show her husband how she wants to be stroked by placing her hand over his and actually putting pressure on his fingers to demonstrate where she likes to be touched, how lightly or firmly, and how slowly or quickly she likes the movements to be.

There is a fine line between turn-ons and turn-offs. The best sex is when a mate knows the difference.

We call these “brakes and accelerators.” Your sexuality is like driving a car. You cannot go very far, very fast, or without damage if you are driving with your foot on the brake. Sexual brakes are those things that hinder your arousal or enjoyment of sex. Some common examples are making love when you are exhausted, feeling criticized by your partner, or trying to be sexually intimate when your in-laws are staying in the bedroom next door.

Sexual accelerators are those things that lead to greater interest and arousal. Some might be feeling rested and relaxed, compliments and affirmations about each other’s character and/or body, or daydreaming about positive sexual experiences with your spouse.

Some of the biggest problems come when one spouse thinks he is accelerating, while his mate is feeling the brakes. An example would be “risky” sexual behaviours—having sex in the back seat of a car when you could be “caught,” for instance. Other examples would be engaging in a sexual act that makes your partner feel inhibited and uncomfortable.

Sex is a gift, not a right; a couple cannot have a great sex life if the husband demands sex. Nor can it be great if a wife believes she has to have sex with her husband out of obligation. A great sex life grows only when both discipline themselves to give to each other. God’s greatest blessings are offered and received freely. When you freely give yourself to your spouse, and freely receive your spouse into yourself, you nurture your marriage as God celebrates and affirms: Promote a greater sex relationship by simply applying words of courtesy.

Appreciate your spouse after each round of sex. Appreciation is approval, admiration, positive reception or gratitude. Words are stimulant that energises any one to perform better. Words of appreciation can be said in many different ways such as… ‘Thanks, that was great’ … ‘welcome home.’ When wives operate sealed lips, it bruises the ego of the man in particular. He may no longer find complete sexual fulfilment in such a wife. Research has discovered that nicknames stimulate the African man to do better such as …Champion, Professional, Strongman, the Emperor, the rod is well built, Hercules, Expert, Specialist… and so on.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

My husband in constant pain

Dear Funmi, my husband was disabled in a bad accident and now he is in constant pain. Therefore, we have not had sex in a long time. I love my husband and want to turn him on. I have exhausted every option: dressing up, taking a vacation, marriage counselling and sexual toys. Nothing helps. I really miss his touch. In addition, being without it is killing my self-esteem. Any ideas?

Mrs. Diplomatic

Chronic pain is often too difficult to ignore in order to respond sexually. Have you and your husband pursued every avenue to achieve pain control? If not, go to a doctor for treatment and emotional rehabilitation.

Your best approach for physical affection and sexual release is to tell your husband just what you told me. You expressed your love and concern for your husband; you indicated your willingness and attempts to make things happen. You stated clearly your desire for his affection—and what has happened to your self-esteem because of not having sex. Your husband needs to hear those things. As a person in pain, he should be able to identify with your pain.

If he has not read the mail you sent me, write those words in a love note to him. Let him know he does not have to become some super lover, but that you want to feel his touch again. Maybe you can remind him of the warmth you once shared. Then discuss some ways you can both work to have a satisfying sexual relationship. For example, if his hands are not involved in the accident, both of you could have foreplay together and he could ‘finger’ you to orgasm.

Difficult to arouse her

We have been married for three years and though I try to do all the “right” things, it is still difficult to arouse my wife during foreplay. Sometimes the more I touch her, the more dry she gets and the whole exercise becomes unpleasant. She is circumcised and we are both frustrated!

Mr James Right

Arousal is a complicated physiological process influenced more by relational and emotional issues than physical stimuli. This is especially true for women. It sounds as though those components may provide keys to your wife’s failure to become aroused.

I will suggest that the two of you explore your experiences, attitudes, and expectations about sexual intimacy. Begin by writing out your earliest memories about sexual awareness. Include what images you remember and the feelings and interpretations you made as a child. These memories will likely go back to preschool years. Carry the process throughout your developmental years, identifying the attitudes and expectations your experiences produced. For instance, many women recall sexual abuse, which can cause them to become detached or paralysed with fear when approached sexually. Next, investigate your courtship. How did your physical expressions of affection influence you? Many couples will overlook or minimise negative feelings during the passion and excitement of dating and marriage.

Compare your interpretations of your relationship. Often couples have quite different impressions. It is easy, in fact normal, for each person to view events through opposing mental filters. The sensitive romantic caresses of a husband may feel like invasion to a wife who has not resolved recent conflict or hurt.

Men tend to focus only on the physical aspects of sexual intimacy, while wives are unresponsive when the relational foundation has not been laid. No amount of tender caressing will produce vaginal lubrication if her emotional needs are not met. Then finally you must find out the degree of her circumcision and be very gentlemanly with her. Then just pray together when every other thing fails.

By FUNMI AKINGBADE