Happier sex life

Couples can achieve a healthy sexual relationship by honestly searching for what can make sex happier and finding ways to such. Of course, this requires that couples know what a healthy and happy sexual relationship is. Moreover, if married spouses invest in nurturing their relationship, there would be greater chances that their relationship would have a strong and intimate sexual connection.

Couples can nurture their relationship by liking and respecting each other, by doing things just to make each other happy, by enjoying and valuing time together and actively working to make it happen. Again, by displaying the ability to show and accept affection, having a strong sense of commitment to the relationship and a willingness to stick with the relationship through momentary conflicts and periods of disinterest or even dislike can also boost the relationship. Couples can also enjoy their relationship by striving towards an effective communication, having a commitment to work through conflicts and disagreements in a respectful manner, along with an ability to forgive and accept forgiveness. All these attributes are the bedrock to different kinds of sexual satisfaction every couple should try.

Adopting different kinds of sex makes room for enjoyment and healthy sexual relationship. There is nothing like the moment when you are lying naked with your spouse you have known and loved for a long time, panting and puffing, thinking, ‘Wow, we have never done that before!’ Most up-to-date couples do not just have sex; they have great sex, unrestrained sex, magnificent make-up sex, wild sex, can’t-walk-the-next-day sex, name it!

Cresting, asserting, spontaneous and fervent sex

Wild, sweaty, so-good-it-makes-you-dizzy sex is one type of sex couples can try out. No matter how long you have been together, you need to have earthshaking sex like this occasionally – even if it is once in a very long while. For long term couples, having an extra-hot sexual experience is like a flashback. It can stimulate those early feelings you had towards each other in the beginning, and it reminds you what you are capable of as a couple.

Couples think the steamy stuff only happens at the early stage of their marriage or pre-kids stage. Here is a prove against that: “I am going on 25 years of marriage and still have passionate, hot sex,” says Alaja Modinatu, a self-employed Lagos based designer and mother of three in her mid-40s. She could remember easily one recent night that felt as hot as the old flames. “I’d just finished cooking dinner, and our kids weren’t home. When my husband came in, he said he was going upstairs to change. But as he kissed me, it evolved from just talking about the day to sex on the kitchen counter. It was totally spontaneous and unexpected!”

This kind of sex is also important on a deeper level and it requires a lot of intimacy. When you display that side of yourself, you would realise how much a toe-curling orgasm does to keep the eyes bright and the soul smiling.

Floating hotel sex

Floating hotel sex is a vital part of a good sex life. When we say floating hotel sex, we mean sex during holiday where you are at your most carefree. This means you can try new things you may not be comfortable doing at home due to lots of live-in in-laws or friends or tenants. In other words, you can have sex on the beach or in a car, or sexually arouse each other intensely in a restaurant or cafe.

“My husband and I had the best vacation sex recently in Whisperings Psalms (Lagos),” says Francisca, a 36-year-old mother of two from Badagry. “We were on the top floor of the resort so we knew no one was above us to see or hear us. In addition, the room had these huge floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the ocean. It felt like we were having sex outdoors, thank goodness for the turn-on effect of the tropics. We would naturally not do all those at home, for fear someone we know would see us or find out.”

Taking risks like this adds to the excitement, and if possible, you can bring that burst of excitement back home with you.

So, if you have not had vacation sex lately, it not too late for you. You do not need a plane ticket to get started. Head to a hotel downtown and call it a vacation. Look forward to such and build it up beforehand for even better sex.

Powder and paint sex

It has been said you should not go to bed angry. This is best applicable to couples. Sometimes couples find themselves in a very hot intense argument, disagreement and fight. But then, couples must ensure that after a fight, they should both go to bed happy – very, very happy. Yes, I am talking about ending such disagreement and fights with a good make-up sex. The wild and intense world of make-up sex can be beautiful, enjoyable, glorious, intense, wonderful, delightful, fantastic, incredible, uplifting, relaxing, comforting, sensational, terrific and invigorating.

Here, one minute you are reeling with anger and the next, you are rolling around making passionate love. Make-up sex works because after a fight; you are raw, exposed, and vulnerable – perfect conditions for intense, soul-to-soul physical bonding. In many ways, make-up sex restores a level of closeness.

Leisure way to sleep sex

We all know by now that it is the journey that really matters in a couple’s sexual relationship and not necessarily the destination, which means not every sexual experience leads to earthquakes and thunder blasting. So, not all-sexual experiences should be focused on getting orgasm(s). Some nights, you start out on the journey and you would like to keep going, but sometimes you just sleep off in the comfort of each other’s arms. This is a very good sex. Luckily, experts say this kind of sex is still good for couple’s sexual health. If while you are at the verge of sex and you feel sleep coming too hard on you, I suggest you say to your partner, ‘I love you so much and I want you so badly but can I just take a nap and we resume latter?’ Just saying such statement aloud counts for a healthy sexual harmony. In the mean time, you are just two warm bodies who love each other and appreciate that a sweet, simple touch can be enough for the night. Acknowledging that you want your partner always is very important.

Repairs/ preserving and protecting sex

Believe this or not, sex is not going to be an eye-gazing invigorating, exquisite encounter every time. Many couples, especially the wives, think everything has to feel perfect and you both have to be in a sexual mood to have sex. If every couple should wait for that, sex would not happen very often. This is where maintenance sex comes in -when you just do it, even if your engine is not necessarily raring for a ride. Just-for-the-sake-of-it sex is very important to a long-term marriage relationship because no matter how much you love your family, your friends and your kids, and no matter how much time you spend with them, you will not spend time like this with anyone else but your spouse. Sex is the one activity a couple has that excludes other people. It keeps your bond unique and strong. By making a habit of it, you are building regular opportunities for connection into your lives. Take it from 33-year-old Olivia, a stay-at-home mom in Ilorin, Kwara State who relies on occasional maintenance sex to keep her relationship energised. “My husband always wants to do it, but as a new mom, I’m tired all the time,” says Olivia. “But when I make the effort, I always feel closer to him afterward and also realised that I had enjoyed myself sexually. Even if the sex is ordinary, it feels like we’ve come together and nothing can get in the way of our relationship.”

In addition, let us not forget how good regular sex is for you: It relieves stress, it burns calories, and it elevates your mood. According to Olivia, it also keeps her sex drive steady “Doing it sometimes when I’m not in the mood keeps me geared up for something much hotter other times,” she says.

Relaxation sex

If either of the married partners is feeling sad, depressed, grieving, alone, or hurt, sex can be the perfect antidote. Why? Because it is the opposite of all those things – it is about being close, warm, loving, and together with someone who cares. Sex with such people can be an end to such encounter.

“My husband’s mom had stroke, my dad had major heart surgery and we lost both of them a week after the other. My husband and I had to spend a lot of time in bed comforting each other,” explains Bimbo, 47-year-old former school Principal at Ikorodu (Lagos). “In those times, we could just have full penetration sex and sometimes, it’s just snuggling and other times, it’s manually stimulating each other. For us, sex was very important and comforting. It helped us not to focus on the bad stuff. You have to focus on what makes you want to get up every morning, what makes you want to go through every day. And part of that, for us, was the sex we shared together, it was so strengthening.”

That desire for a connection is not only common, it is important as a life-affirming act in the face of grief. It’s a way of defending yourself against death or loss. Usually, comfort sex is more emotional, sweeter, and perhaps more moving than usual because the desire to connect to life is so great. In addition, that thriving, healing act can help couples who feel torn apart from each other during a difficult period.

Pushing your boundaries sex

Couples in long term relationships sometimes crave excitement and stimulation but do not know how to get it with their partners. Spouses can get that by pushing their regular comfort zone. For example, if you are used to missionary, that may mean trying a new position. If you are used to stimulation by body parts alone, it may mean putting on a silky night dress.

Well, we have to stop here until I come your way next time. I remain your faithful bedroom instructor.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

He feels sex pushes him away from God

My husband said he wants to be closer to God and as a result, we should stop having sex. He said our coming together would create a hindrance to the flow of the power of God in his life. Right now, we have been living in separate rooms for the past 13 months without any form of sexual closeness. According to him, sex will not allow him to hear from God. He even went further to say whenever he has sex with me; he always ends up having bad dreams. What bothers me now is the fact that prior to this time; we have been having a wonderful time. He is so good at any move and at that time, we were doing very fine as a family. After more than nine years in marriage, I am now very confused. We are both sponsored students from our country. We are in a strange land where we are surrounded with all sorts of sexual temptations. The truth of the matter is I am dying to have sex. Recently, I had feelings for a younger guy who made me feel like a woman again. Although I know this is wrong, the guy is very good in bed and I am always looking forward to this inasmuch as I want to stop it at the same time. Please help me. Do you think my husband is okay or needs attention? Whenever I try to make him see reasons, he always says ‘you don’t understand.’

Mercy lo-fi, Germany

Hi, Mercy, I would love to have you relax and calm down so that you also can be in a right frame of mind. Secondly, you have to realise that when your husband comes out of his challenge, if you are not careful, you will never enjoy sex with him anymore because your mind will always be drawn to the other guy. So stay away from him because of your marriage. You may be right to suggest that your husband needs attention. Sex does not draw couples far from God neither does it affect the purity level of a marriage partner; instead, sexual passion and pleasure create a sense of contentment that help improve a partner’s closer walk with God. Sex does not obstruct holiness nor hinder the flow of anointing. It doesn’t create bad dreams. Let your husband see a sex therapist for help.

She reluctantly has sex with me

Please, Marriage Doctor, save your fan. I read your article every week. We have been married for over five years now with three kids. We are living happily but I was very surprised and devastated when recently my wife mockingly told me that she has been enduring sex with me, she can no longer endure further and that my penis is too small for enjoyment. I actually noticed she reluctantly gives in for sex recently. To make matters worse, she said the best she feels from me is like when a finger nail is scratching her vagina and she is not just into me. And if I understand her well, it seems she must have been seeing a bigger one or what? I just sense she is not faithful to this marriage and something terrible may happen between us. It is a slap on a man’s face when a wife walks up to her husband and mockingly says his manhood is too small after these years of marriage. In fact, since then, I have not been confident enough to ask her for sex for months now. Is she seeing someone else with a bigger one? Am I not satisfying her? What else does she want from me?

Waya Damilare.

I think you may be over assuming. Have you taken time out to ask her what she really meant with such statement? You may be surprised she might just be joking with you; especially if both of you have a very good sense of humour. She may even want to get back at you, maybe you offended her and she is looking for a way to revenge. Why don’t you find out her intention first before concluding on the matter? I quite understand that such statement could erode a man’s confidence and ego but then, if both of you have a good communication pattern, such statement should not pose a threat to the beautiful thing both of you have together. In addition, as medicine and science is taking a giant stride towards making life better in all ramifications of life, things like size of penis can really be handled by a sex therapist and neurologist. You can actually see me for help. Besides, over the years, you have proven that you are a man indeed, so no cause for alarm, enjoy your woman. However, if this is affecting your ego, you can see me.

By Fumi Akingbade