As natural, basic and simple as sex is, it has destroyed many homes, marriages and relationships all because there is no continuation in insight and knowledge beyond the basic initial understanding. I keep saying that the first big error of many people is thinking that sex is basic and natural and should not be learnt.
In reality, sex is cultural; it is the fruit of a learning process and it is something we all have to learn. Naturally, the focus of man’s desire is a woman, the desire of the woman is to have a man. Until we start learning, we may not be able to unravel the mechanism behind the female sexuality nor the way the erection functions. Therefore, we want to see how couples can enjoy instant ragging passion by being able to differentiate various types of libidos. I would advise you read this together with your spouses, so that both of you find out which area you fall into.
Types of libidos: the sensual libido spouse is a spouse who wants sex to be emotional, connecting and superficially physical. They cherish more of love play than the actual sexual acts. Those who fall in this group are more of introvert lovers than extrovert.
The dependent libido spouses are spouses who need sex to cope with problems. Sex soothes them and makes them feel better, they are more sexually active mainly to better deal with bad feelings such as stress, boredom or anxiety, pressure, loss of loved one, when they are sick or troubled. When such spouse does not have an understanding partner, the relationship is always under undue pressure. In such cases, if your partner doesn’t want to do it when you want, because you too are in an emotional state, you tend to interpret it as a lack of love and caring. It’s like she’s refusing to give you the medicine you need to feel better.The erotic libido spouses are spouses who want sex to be intense and passionate. At least some of the times, they want to explore all the wondrous varieties of sexual activities that are available. Though they can cope with periods of ordinary sex provided, but there are regular opportunities for adventurous and sizzling sex. If you have a strong erotic libido, you get little or no pleasure from low key sex and this might cause problems in the relationship, because your partner might start to feel a pressure to perform at great heights all of the time, which is never good. These are more of flamboyant extrovert lovers.
The reactive libido spouses care more about the sexual needs of their partner. They sometimes even end up ignoring their own desires if they feel they aren’t what their partner usually enjoys. These spouses put a lot of effort into foreplay and can only orgasm once they are sure their partner does.
The entitled libido spouses assume that it’s their God given right to get whatever they want in their sexual relationship, regardless of the feeling of the other partner. Their mind-set is if I want hot steamy sex, I should be given the opportunity to have it. If, on the contrary, I want cuddling, my partner should provide me with just that. Spouses in this category are greatly influenced by the idealization of sex in movies and books and think that they are entitled to have the same great sex they’re having on screen.
The addictive libido: even though this is a destructive type of libido, a spouse with this type believes that until they have sex outside their matrimonial bed, they are not having the best of sex. Their problem is that they can’t seem to resist the lure of having sex outside their relationship. It’s not that they don’t love and cherish their partner; they are constantly craving for more elusive sex. These spouses are filled with the mirage that marital sex is boring compared to the dangerous allure of doing it with a complete stranger or animals. Instead of destroying your relationship, family, marriage and life, make up your mind to live clean, have a positive mind-set towards the best things in life.
The stressed libido spouse: The spouse is always on their toes, constantly worrying about their performance and about whether what they are doing is pleasurable or not. They tend to avoid having sex for fear of failure, even though they might still be very aroused. In fact, they kill their sex life before its actual death. They worry about no or low libido, erectile dysfunction and so on. But if you can take this unnecessary worry off, you can enjoy sexual pleasure wholeheartedly.
The disinterested libido spouses are spouses with naturally low libidos. They practically have no physical or emotional problem with having sex; they just seem not to be in the mood. If you’re one of those, you might develop feelings of guilt and defensiveness because you’re not able to satisfy your partner. However, you must accept that you have not chosen to be a disinterested libido type, but for the sake of your spouse, you must learn the act of building your libido just as when people go to the gym to build up their body muscles. The detached libido spouses usually feel sexual desire but they are too preoccupied with other life issues to seek out for marital sex. Being overwhelmed by stress from financial or work pressure, you might think that sex is the last thing on your list right now, but be aware that this attitude does more wrong than good to the relationship. The compulsive libido spouse has one main sexual body object, or image object that triggers sexual arousal. A particular feature or shape or image in their spouses is the only thing that will arouse them. It can be mere looking at the nipple of their spouses or the smell of their spouse’s underwear or the shape of the vulva or penis or the moaning sound of their spouse or the colour of their spouse’s underwear.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Painful, perpetual erection
I experience pain anytime I have erection. I can say that erection for me is more of a curse than blessing. I am a sickle cell patient though well managed; I was not sexually active before marriage. Shortly after my marriage, I started noticing perpetual erections that take days to subside immediately after ejaculation. This eventually led to my wife leaving me to carry my cross. My question is, does this have a cure?
I am troubled
The medical term for this condition is priapism. It is commonly called a permanent erection or an erection that won’t go away within four hours. In priapism, blood becomes trapped in the penis and cannot flow out; this is a medical problem. This condition can be treated but if left untreated, priapism can lead to permanent damage.
Another persistent, long-lasting erection can result from some men taking or injecting themselves with medication because they suffer from impotency, or from some disease that thickens the blood, making it impossible for blood to leave the penis after it has entered. Sickle cell anaemia is one such disease. Other medications can also cause priapism-for example: antidepressants, anticoagulants, and antipsychotics. Priapism is not only painful, it is potentially harmful. Doctors can now treat priapism without surgery, but the condition still requires medical care.
I have bad breath
Hi Funmi, I have been so unfortunate with marriage all because my mouth smells badly. In fact, I have lost potential spouses, good women who were ready to marry me if I could get a lasting solution to my bad breath. One was bold enough to tell me that it actually stinks, what can I do?
One of the prime causes of bad breath is plaque, the sticky build-up on teeth that harbours bacteria. Food left between teeth adds to the problem. Try to avoid foods that sour your breath. Onions and garlic are the prime offenders. Unfortunately, brushing after you eat onions or garlic doesn’t help either. Bad breath is just one of many reasons not to smoke. Smoking damages gum tissue and stains the teeth. It also increases your risk of oral cancer. Swishing your mouth with plain water freshens your breath by eliminating food particles and stimulating saliva. Anti-bacterial mouthwashes may add extra protection by reducing plaque-causing bacteria. Try to also skip after-dinner mints and chew gum instead, because sugary candies promote the growth of bacteria in your mouth and add to bad breath problems. Instead, chew sugarless gum. Gum stimulates saliva, which is the mouth’s natural defence mechanism against plaque acids which cause tooth decay and bad breath.
Bored and worried
My husband’s idea of foreplay and sex is taking off his clothes and lying in bed. He barely touches my breasts, and I have to be on top every time. He won’t discuss trying anything different. I don’t know what else to do. If I want to have sex, it is either his way or no way. I find this so boring and it bothers me.
Denebola Nice
Well, I can quite understand your predicament. One aspect of your husband’s behaviour (beside your frustration) is that he is unaware of the pleasure he’s missing out in the foreplay. From experience, I know that many men enjoy variety and they are not given to monotony, with regard to sex. You must be a satisfying lover for him to avoid foreplay. But I can assure that he will improve, if you draw his attention to the situation. You can write him a letter expressing your disappointment and explaining your need for more stimulation to really enjoy sex with him. Please you have to stick with your feelings rather than complaining about his behaviour. Tell him you crave more stimulation. Let him know that women have a slower libido response than men, and penetration in sex alone is rarely sufficient to produce an orgasm. Most men also like to hear praise for their love making, so include affirmation for the times he’s brought you pleasure. Let him know he is doing a great job that is worthy of commendation and he deserves a beautiful gift. Don’t just assume that you are the only one that needs a pat on the back; he must be feeling that way, too.
A second approach would be to seduce him unexpectedly. Be assertive in your foreplay, telling him how excited you are. Maybe his arousal will give him a taste of what he’s missing. Some wives we’ve known have met their husbands at the door in sexy night wears or kidnapped them from work and drove to a romantic spot. Changing the routine adds adventure to your sex. Take the charge and talk about your desire for him and how great it feels when he caresses or kisses your whole body!
A third, more drastic response would be to take a sabbatical from sex until he’ll listen to your feelings. But I think that should be the last resort. I have seen cases whereby some husbands have problem with premature ejaculation. When they are afraid, they want quick sex to avoid embarrassment. Perhaps your husband had heard somewhere that women like to be on top during the act just to assist clitoral stimulation, and since foreplay may cause them to climax too quickly, he just feels safe sticking to that position.
My wife no longer appeals to me sexually
For sometime now, I have been having erectile dysfunction and my wife no longer appeals to me sexually. It looks like I’ll have to take pills for the rest of my life; my friends said it is more common among older men and that I just have to live with it. Recently, I tried having sex with another woman and I immediately got an instant erection. Why do I have to get an erection with someone else and not my wife?
Mr. Jackson Bill
It’s not unusual for older men to need more stimulation to help get them aroused than they did when they were younger. But there’s no reason you should have to accept a lack of sexual function as one of the inevitable consequences of getting older, because there is cure. Many men are able to get erection and enjoy sex well into their senior years, and there’s very likely no reason you can’t be one of them. There are many reasons why a man might experience erection problems, although lack of sexual attraction towards one’s wife might be one of them but definitely not the major reason. Having one night stand with another woman apart from your wife would not actually solve the problem because the same thing will occur again with the other woman after you must have got used to having sex with her and this will still lead to a statuesque. What you need to do is to get some cure and to bring your wife’s sexual performance to match your sexual fantasy level. This will increase your attraction towards her and revive sexual passion in you.
Habitual tiredness is making me to do a rethink
Funmi, what should a husband do when the wife is habitually tired whenever the husband asks for sex? Should he marry another wife or have sex outside the home before retiring for the night? I am tired of the same excuse all the time.
Mr. Luck Jonny, Ebutemeta
Neither of the above. The point here is that many things will be destroyed while wanting to satisfy your sexual urges outside your matrimonial home. I would plead with you to take time out to discuss this extensively with your wife. Also, help her out with the house chores. If you cannot assist, please employ someone to do so. Help take the baby off her back; you can help get the children ready by bathing them while she is preparing the meal. No woman in her right sense would deliberately refuse her husband sex unless she is genuinely tired.
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